Friday, September 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
So for all of my dating life, she has been with me starting with the night I lost my virginity. She picked me up from my "date" behind the swamp in the backwoods of little town named Houma and we had our first official sex talk. Well we've been having them ever since. We don't just talk about men and sex, hell we talk about everything. Men, our other friends, work, our families, other peoples families, celebrities, food. You name it. We gossip about it all like too old women. She is my other half in a very heterosexual way.
After reading this blog, and being very supportive of it from the get go she decided she was going to make it her new life's mission to set me up with mr. right. Now, how she intended on doing this is she set up a bogus account on Plentyoffish.com as BFF 35. It has no picture. It is just a way for her to search for men. This way, she could find men and pick out the ones she likes. I inturn am suppose to contact them once I get off of my ass and join. Now 99% of this is that my best friend wants me to find the right man and be happy. 1% is because she is nosey and the queen of internet stalking. Well I've gone through the people she found and I have to say the woman has taste. So I guess I will be joining plenty of fish.com. Maybe since I obviously am so bad at finding my other half, she will be successful at it. Then I will never hear the end of it!
The funniest thing about it is that just like Match.com we know for a fact these men lie lie lie. My best friend found my ex's best friend on plenty of fish. In it he is all pouting for the camera. He was honest about his weight, height, occupation, etc. In it he said his pet peeves are liars. Well girls and boys it shows his age as 34. The boy is 40! Hilarious. He hates liars and makes it a theme in his profile and yet he lied himself. How ironic!
So I guess I will be setting up another internet dating profile. Uggghhh! At least it will give my best friend and I something else to gossip about...love you Addie!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
I mainly started this blog after a man that held my heart in his hands for the last 11 years left. I met him when I was 24. It was always a very intense all consuming relationship but with fire you are bound to get burned. At first, it was an affair...shame on me. Then it was a relationship with the shared car, shared money, home and his and her insurance. Then, there was infedelity followed by years of devastating breakups, makeups and everything inbetween. I was so involved with him, I lost me some how along the way. Then finally after almost 11 years of back and forth, and us having relationships with other people we came to a cross roads. I should clarify, I came to a crossroads. He had already crossed the road and went to the other side. For years I was stuck because even though we were no longer "together" he never allowed me to fully move on. Stuck in limbo. Unable to go back, unable to move forward. Unable to breathe. I got the news he intended on moving. I lost my mind. Really I did. What was I going to do without this man who I depended on when he wasn't really dependable. Who was I going to be without him? How now at the age of 35 was I going to have my happy ending. He was moving to an exotic new city with a brand new girlfriend. I was still in the apartment with the scuff marks over my bed from our relationship. We said our goodbyes, he left and I was devastated. But with devastation, comes rebirth and rebuilding. And that's what made me start this blog. It was to document my goals, document my life and share it with people who might find themselves having a early mid life crisis. I always thought he would be better off...hell everything came easy to him. He had everything he wanted. I was the one that was going to have to scream, cry, crawl and struggle to regain myself.
But, a funny thing happened boys and girls. I woke up to the phone call I didn't see coming. He called. I was shocked and courious what was up. Instead of jumping up and down, hanging on his every word my first response was "what do you want". I wasn't trying to be mean, hateful or vindictive. I have loved this man for 11 years and even though I am not happy with how things went down, I will always wish him the best, love him in a way, and wish him happiness. I figured he was calling to let me know how wonderful his life was. It was the opposite though. He wasn't happy, I could hear it in the sound of his voice. He complained about the new place, the fact of everyone speaking spanish, the lack of work for him, his new girlfriends kid. The fact he couldn't sleep at night. He sounded sick, exhausted and just unhappy. Here I was thinking when he left, I would be the one to suffer. He asked me how I was, if I was okay. And the weirdest most satisfying thing happened. The answer shocked me. I am okay! I'm better than okay. I'm great. And it wasn' t a lie. I might have been sick for the last 2 weeks and let's face it people, the blog was a real debbie downer. As a whole though, I am stronger, happier and healthier than I have been in the last 11 years. I've grown so much as a person and have found myself. The fact he misses me is just icing on the cake! I got off the phone, and cried for a minute. And then, it stopped. Not after days or hours or minutes. A minute. What sweet progress!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Today is a beautiful day! The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. I'm finally caught up on posting all my blogs from my journal! That in itself is an amazing accomplishment considering my landlords lack of fixing the things that are wrong with my apartment. My internet is about as reliable as my last boyfriend! How are you suppose to maintain a blog without internet. I've lived at my apartment for 3 years next month. I think it is time for a change. I love my apartment, it's spacious,it's on the 2nd floor with a beautiful screened in porch off the living area complete with a ceiling fan. I love the Garden Hills Neighborhood. It is my favorite neighborhood in Atlanta. I'm just a hop skip and a jump away from Barnes and Noble which is my favorite place, starbucks, sushi, grocery stores, my eyedoctor, the pharmacy,smoothie king. What more does a girl need. I live by beautiful old homes surrounded by the laughter of kids. I just would not want to live anywhere else. Unfortunately though, my building is old. 1930's old. Not only do I not have a dishwasher, I have horrible ventilation system. I never had these respiratory problems, bronchitis, asthma, etc prior to living in this apartment. The landlord never changes the vents and never returns calls about it. It's been going on for 3 years. My doctor thinks its the apartment due to dust, the heating and air conditioning system or possibly mold that is making me sick. I'm getting no anwers from the landlord. I hate to rock the boat because I love the area of town I live in, the convenience, my neighbors and the fact that they haven't raised the rent or had me sign a lease in years. But my health is on the line. So I'm going to look for an apartment! See what's out there. Maybe I need to move to feel better..maybe a change will do me good!
What the hell? This weekend was a warm spring weekend. Flowers and trees blooming. People outdoors tanning and playing sports. This morning a cold front brought in by yesterday's previous thundershowers caused us to have snow flurries in the morning. Atlanta and it's weird weather. I wished I could have been a wake to see it. I love the snow! I should live up north!
So, I woke up at 5 am...sick! Called in sick again and made the decision to take myself to the hospital. I lucked out. I got there quick, they saw me right away. I got on the scale and lost 5 lbs since last Thursday. That was exciting. I would rather not be sick but to know that I am the thinnest I have been in 5 years gave me something to smile about. I saw my poor doctor who scratched his head while the 4 medical students looked on. What were they going to give me? Why was I worse and not better? They couldn't give me any steroids, I was already using inhalers, antiobiotics. I needed a decongestant and I'm allergic to them. Sudafed turns me into a nightmare. So what to do! Well I was a modern medical dilemma. In the end, I got put on 2 nose sprays, more antibiotics, an asthma medication, and allergy pill all to be taken at different times. I don't know how I will keep it all straight. I have all the 8+ meds on different shelves in my kitchen arranged my morning, afternoon and night. Between my crohn's medications, and this god I feel like a walking pharmacy. I faxed the notes to my manager who said I was okay and to just get better. She reassured me I didn't need to do anything else, she had everything covered and just to focus on getting better. I felt really reassured...until the call came from human resources. She had been alerted by my oh so concerned manager that I had been out for more than 5 days. They need to get FMLA paperwork from my doctor. I also needed to run and find a fax machine to fax the same doctor's notes to human resources that I have been sure to fax to my manager each time I went to the doctor. Now not only do I need to figure out how to take all these meds and get better, I also have to worry about the office and whether or not I go in or not. The short term disability just makes it more difficult to decide what my next move will be. I want to get better, I want to go back to work at 100%. I want to get paid. I want to be healthy and do a good job. But how soon is too soon! If the short term disability gets denied I'm out more PTO days. If it gets approved and I go back to soon I loose it. If I go back too soon I relapse. What to do?
I hope I feel better either way. So far...I think I do. We shall see. I did get home to see Betty White on Ellen getting a strip tease. That made up for this whole past week. I love Betty White!
Today my allergies symptoms hit me like a brick which just enhanced my bronchitis. It was a rainy day, which I usually love the most when I am not feeling well. I hoped the rain would help wash away whatever was making me sneeze every other minute, eyes water, nose run like a broken faucet, and cough continue with a vengeance! I stayed in my PJ's and watched Have you heard about the Morgans which was cute. I always love Sarah Jessica Parker. She always brings such class, spunk and charm to every role she plays in. I just love her and respect her. I also watched Up and away with Georg Clooney. I usually don't enjoy his movies. I do every year make it a point to watch as many as the Oscar nominated films as possible. Plus I loved the whole premise of the movie. With the economic times that this world is facing, the movie could not be more on point. I enjoyed both the films. It just made me worry about my job though. It's hard not to watch the movie, see George Clooney fire people throughout the whole thing and not think about your own career. I do recommend everyone watch it. It has a great message.
Tomorrow I will be going back to the hospital. I do not feel better. Infact, I feel 100% worse. I'm taking all my prescription drugs and now over the counter allergy medication. I can't sleep. I can't take care of myself. I have no energy and no relief from symptoms. I don't want to end up like all those hollywood people who take all these prescription drugs and over the counter remedies and od. So like it or not, the most responsible thing for me to do at this time is bite the bullet and go back to the hospital before I end up having to get admitted to it. Hopefully tomorrow I will get some much needed relief. I'll be able to go back to my life....
I love the idea of spring. It's what it brings that makes me dislike it so. I love fall. The cooler temperatures, the ability to keep my screen door open, the smells, the relief from the Atlanta humidity. Spring has the ability to have the same qualities that I love about fall except everything is blooming! With blooming comes allergies, sinus infections and bronchitis. So while I like the warmer weather, the ability to take Rex on walks in the dog park, wearing less clothing, seeing the beautiful flowers bloom on the trees I can't ever bring myself to fully enjoy it. Case in point...the sneeze fest that has occurred today. If I sneezed once, I sneezed a thousand times. I figured it might be due to pollen so I cleaned my porch even the fan outside, dusted the whole house, vacummed, mopped, washed the bedding, the dog. You name it, it was done. They don't call it spring cleaning for nothing. As the day ended and the night was upon me, I was happy at how clean my house was but I was still sick as a dog! So much for zertex.
The good news though, is I realized that today has been a whole month since my heartbreak. Sure I'm going through some health issues I have yet to overcome. I am so much further ahead than I thought I would be last month! I haven't gone a whole month without smoking a cigerrette since I was a teenager! That is a huge accomplishment. I have lost 10 pounds the healthy way in a month. I have started and kept this journal even with internet issues. I have gone on my first blind date. I have not spoken to the person who caused me so much pain in a month. I will survive!!! In a month I have accomplished so much. So what if for the last week, I have been down. It does not take away the courage, class and focus I have had in reinventing myself. If I have accomplished just this small list of things in a month, I wonder where I will be by next month! I have so much hope in my heart!
I woke up at 5am with a headache from hell. I have never had 2 steriod shots in one day and right now I am so jittery. I feel all junky inside. The coughing is decreasing but in its absence is a feeling that I cannot describe. I don't have the strength to get out of bed. 5 days out sick=5 days PTO. Crap!!! At least I have the weekend to heal or it's back to the hospital on Monday. Please sweet baby jesus! Let me get better.
4 days out sick=4 days of PTO not used on vacation!!
The first thing I think of when I wake up and call out is count the vacation days I'm using due to this situation. I haven't been able to go on a vacation or visit my family in years due to medical complications. It's so frustrating. I really let it get to me last night. Today, I got up ready to fight. I went to the hospital and got not one but two steroid shots. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow and will be back at work tomorrow. In the meantime I have been reviewing my blog and this illness has seemed to get me off of course. Just because the same situations health wise are happening to me does not determine that this year I will not be able to accomplish my goals. This blog is not about me feeling sorry for myself or inviting the world to an internet pitty party. This blog is about reinventing myself. Sure I have had a setback this week, but all things good or bad do not last forever. This will pass. So, here are my new rules I need to live by;
Always make myself and my health my number one priority
I can do this by just following these rules:
Get 8 hours of sleep a day
No smoking and avoid smoky places no matter what
No alcoholic beverages
Keep doctor's appointments and follow their advice
Take medication as needed on time.
Take time to breathe
Go to work
A long list, and a simple list. Sometimes though, I must remind myself of the simplest things. Don't we all though!
Today marks a lot of things for me. It was a year today, I was at home recovering from my first Crohn's surgery unable to partake in St. Patricks Day festivities. Green beer and percocets don't go well. Today also marks a year that I stopped being a vegetarian. I was a full time vegetarian for only a year. I just love cheeseburgers and steak too much! Here I am a year later, and once again I am home sick for how long I do not know. Today also is Rex's my chubby and adorable beagle's 7th birthday! Too bad two years in a row I have been under the weather. So many emotions are overwhelming me now. I feel bad that I'm missing work. I'm nervous that my new assignment is going to think I am not dependable. I am emotionally drained from knowing that I have been following the doctor's orders and taking medication...It has yet to make a dent in how I feel. I know I will have to spend the $25.00 co payment and miss yet another day of work to get a steroid shot. Right now I don't know how I will find the strength to get out of bed feeling as lousy as I am, get on the bus and drag my sick ass to the hospital. The whole situation just upsets me because I really wanted this year to be the start of feeling better, doing more things, less time in the hospital and more time at work. Hell, I just want to live a sick free normal life. I keep questioning why I was handed this lot in life. St Patricks Day is the perfect time for me to reflect upon it.
I am irish by birth. My biological dad was irish, hence why I was named Erin. I came from a very proud irish family on my biological father's side. He was never around. He was abusive to my mother and lucky for both my mom and I, she left where I was born in NJ and moved to Virginia where she would meet the man I call my dad. Any man can give sperm, only a true man can be a father. I can honestly say I have the best dad in the world and I would not change that for anything! My biological dad has haunted me for years and especially around St. Patricks Day. It's hard to not think of him since I was named for his nationality. He's been dead due to alcoholism and complications of gout, heart disease, diabetes and crohn's disease. He never gave me anything but childhood nightmares, emotional abuse and a chronic illness. The fact that he died at 49 makes me sad and yet apprehensive on how long I will be around. I know I am combating the disease as much as possible. I stay up to date on treatments, eat well, exercise, don't smoke, don't drink, get plenty of sleep. I keep my doctors appointments and take medicine plus vitamins and minerals. All this and yet here I sit, sick and unable to fight off this bronchitis. All because of some bad genes from my biological dad! The years of torment and abuse are long past me. I no longer question why he was so cruel and emotionally unavailable in my life. I no longer question why he didn't step up and be the father I deserve or why he never loved me. I no longer feel that I did something wrong or I wasn't good enough for him or his messed up family. I am grateful for the dad I have. The dad that is always there to support me, love me, comfort me and raise me to be the fighter I am today.
But it is St Patricks day...old habits die hard. I will now only allow myself to think of my deceased sperm doner today! I hope I get better. I want to live a better life than he did.
Sick again. I woke up feverish and coughing my head off. I had to call in again which did nothing but stress me out. I already missed work Friday, and Monday. I have this brand new assignment with a new sales team. What kind of impression are they going to get from this! I’m not even well enough or strong enough to drag my sick ass to the hospital to get checked out. I did manage to call my doctor who called in antiobiotics and said since I have been running a temperature I shouldn’t go back to work until Thursday. That is 3 days PTO! Crap! I feel like I have smoked a carton of cigerrettes. I should have just listened to myself, to my body and not gone out Friday night. Now I am paying the price. Never again. All it has done is caused me to be sick, disappointed and stressed.
The thing that is the most important to remember when having a chronic auto immune disease is that your body does not work like everyone else’s. You are tired a lot, take a lot of medicines, have to really eat well, sleep enough and avoid things that can make your immune system wear down. I forget to listen to my body when it becomes overwhelmed. Unfortunately, this causes me to get sick and my body just shuts down completely. If I am lucky it is only a day with some rest and maybe some antibiotics and I’m back on my feet. I have a feeling this is not the case. I woke up coughing due to the smoke from Friday. I know that was what did it. People with chronic acute bronchitis do not need to be in smoky places with no ventilation. Just another great mistake to add to the others of Friday night! I woke up with definite bronchitis accompanied by a fever a day off of work. I hate missing work with a new assignment under my belt. I know my boss is going to be pissed and I’m using PTO I need to save for the whole year. This is only March. I have to go see my grandmother. Please let me feel better tomorrow! I cannot miss another day!
Today my allergies symptoms hit me like a brick which just enhanced my bronchitis. It was a rainy day, which I usually love the most when I am not feeling well. I hoped the rain would help wash away whatever was making me sneeze every other minute, eyes water, nose run like a broken faucet, and cough continue with a vengeance! I stayed in my PJ’s and watched Have You Seen The Morgans? which was cute. I always love Sarah Jessica Parker. She always brings such class, spunk and charm to every role she plays in. I just love her and respect her. I also watched Up in the Air with Georg Clooney. I usually don’t enjoy his movies. I do every year make it a point to watch as many as the Oscar nominated films as possible. Plus I loved the whole premise of the movie. With the economic times that this world is facing, the movie could not be more on point. I enjoyed both the films. It just made me worry about my job though. It’s hard not to watch the movie, see George Clooney fire people throughout the whole thing and not think about your own career. I do recommend everyone watch it. It has a great message.
Tomorrow I will be going back to the hospital. I do not feel better. Infact, I feel 100% worse. I’m taking all my prescription drugs and now over the counter allergy medication. I can’t sleep. I can’t take care of myself. I have no energy and no relief from symptoms. I don’t want to end up like all those Hollywood people who take all these prescription drugs and over the counter remedies and OD. So like it or not, the most responsible thing for me to do at this time is bite the bullet and go back to the hospital before I end up having to get admitted to it. Hopefully tomorrow I will get some much needed relief. I’ll be able to go back to my life....
I woke up exhausted. I had started the new hormone treatment my doctor had prescribed me last night when I got home. I woke up moody, tired and dizzy. Part of it was the hormones, part of it was lack of sleep. I got up and finished my vacuuming and dusting. I was not even showered or dressed when my mom got here. I told her of my failings of the night before but she kept encouraging me. I hurried up and got ready still beating myself up for the 2 drinks the night before.
My mom and I have in the last few years have grown to have one of the best relationships a mother and daughter could be lucky enough to have. We have worked very hard for it and I am grateful that she can visit so often. She is only 3 ½ hours away in the Knoxville Tennessee. She always comes once a month with my two old dogs Max 12 years and Hannah 11. ( I think) I only wish my dad who is on the road driving a truck could have come this time.
We had a great visit even though I felt tired and yucky. We found her hairdresser and I got to see a side of town that I had not been to in a long time. I need to get a car so I can explore the city more and not be just confined to my little neighbourhood of buckhead. It was a beautiful pre spring day and I got to take some pretty photos of the trees blooming as we drove back. We did some shopping. I got some new exercise pants a size smaller than normal which shows that diet and exercise does pay off. We went to Michaels and looked for hobbies I could take up. We went down every row. If you have never in your life experienced Michaels...it is a little intimidating. We went down the rows of crafts from painting, to scrapbooking, to needle point, jewlry making, candle making, fake flowers. We had the most fun trying on animal hats and sending pictures of us looking ridiculous to my father who inturn said we needed to find a hobby. Well hell, that is what we were doing there in the first place!
Before we knew it, it was 7. We grabbed some Cajun food from the take out place just loafing down the street. Two shrimp po boys dressed with to sides of jambalaya and some boudain. We went home to watch some Couple Retreat and eat 2 boxes of girl scouts cookies. Yes I fell of my diet wagon with a huge thud. But I enjoyed it with my mom watching couples retreat. I could not have asked for a better day, just less calories.
What a day! A beautiful beginning but a tragic ending! Everyday as I embark on this journey to find myself, reinvent myself and find out what I really want out of life there will be learning experiences. I look forward to each of them knowing it is these experiences that will bring me closer to my ultimate goal of getting exactly what I want out of life. Today was defiantly a learning experience.
Friday! It’s like music to my ears every week. A welcome friend to relieve me after a stressful work week. I looked forward to my monthly visit from my mom over the weekend. I haven’t seen her since the Super bowl. I went to work ready to tie up some loose ends, send reports, make some calls and kick some ass. Only to be followed by conquering the elliptical for 30 minutes something that has not been possible yet. I had an 11:30 luncheon at work. It was for all the volunteers that stayed behind and worked while everyone else went to the 70’ themed customer operations award event. Once I got to the luncheon, the vice president of customer operations informed us all over our gourmet boxed lunch that we could grab our food and go home paid without using PTO for the rest of the day! I figured since our department had already given us the 4 hours PTO that I had used earlier in the week I would not be allowed to go home. To my surprise when returning to the floor I was told to pack up and enjoy the rest of my Friday! It was like music to my ears and my prayers had been answered. I immediately grabbed my belongings including my packed work out bag and headed for the gym to conquer those 30 minutes on the elliptical! I went to the bank by taxi even though it was raining. Got the money I needed to give my mom to put towards my potential car. I didn’t even let the ugly thunderstorm stop me from running errands. I took a $20.00 cab ride to Buckhead. I went to target and took my time getting cleaning supplies. I even managed to snatch up some nice sets of earrings for a discounted price. I took the bus home to clean the house and watch the golden girls. I still had to do dishes, laundry, dusting and vacuuming. God what a lot of dishes! The next apartment/condo or house (fingers crossed) I get I will make sure it has a dish washer. I am not made to wash dishes. I always miss something and my back just can’t take it. I had finally hit my stride when I received the call I knew that was going to take me down a road I didn’t need to go. My other bf called. She still wanted to go to Eastside Lounge in East Atlanta. Her car was not working so we would have to take a cab after she had dinner with her parents. She wanted to go out at 9:30. I explained to her that my mother was arriving early tomorrow morning for a short visit. I still had a lot of cleaning to do. I still hadn’t even managed to eat dinner. I didn’t want to go out late and stay out when my mom would be here in the morning. I wanted to be well rested with all my cleaning and errands accomplished. I didn’t want to spend the money on cabs, etc. She has been having issues with her on again off again boyfriend and has been hammering at me to go out for weeks. I still did not feel secure in my new founded sobriety to be out in a dance bar or any bar for that matter. She knew that I was trying to stay sober and I had voiced my concerns over and over again in the past weeks. All my words of concern fell on deaf ears. So I didn’t feel like another argument or worse her telling me how once again she was disappointed. So against my better judgement I went. She wanted to be out by 9:30 and I would pay for one cab ride to ESL and she would pay for the one home. We had agreed to be home no later than 2. Well I stopped cleaning, scarfed food down and got ready. At 9:30 I called her, but her parents where still there eating. She advised me that she would call me once they left. By 10 pm she called and advised me that they had left but she wasn’t ready to go. I became infuriated for several reasons. First, she didn’t respect that I had things to do and cleaning to finish. Second that it was later and I needed to be up early so I could spend some much needed time with my family. Third she didn’t care about even asking me in 2 days how my date went. Fourth...she didn’t care about what I wanted at all...most of all my sobriety. By the time I picked her up in the cab at 11 I was infuriated. I could barely say anything. I was mad. Mad that I was out, my back hurt and I was tired. I knew in the back of my mind nothing good could come of this night. Sure enough, I went and had 2 drinks to dull the pain of my back and get me in a better mood. There was no better mood to get me in by drinking though. I was not drunk, all it did was piss me off more that I had not stuck to my beliefs and made myself my first priority. She didn’t care that I was breaking a promise I had made to myself to not drink. She only cared about herself. She finally did ask me about my date. Maybe she thought my bad mood was from that experience. My bad mood was due to letting myself down by putting others wants and needs before my own. It was so smoky and I was in so much pain. I left her there getting into another cab. I only had enough cash to make it to the highlander. The night had cost me $60.00 that should have gone to my savings for a night that I did not enjoy. Luckily I got a ride from some good friends of mine. I didn’t have anymore drinks, I didn’t smoke but I let myself down. I was home reeking of smoke at 4am only to have to wake up and finish dusting and vacuuming for my mom’s jammed packed visit. From now on, I need to listen to my heart and myself. I need to make better choices. I do not blame her for falling off the wagon. It was my choice to go and it was my choice to drink. It is a learning experience, one I will not forget.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
I got off of work 3 hours early. I went and put together a cute outfit with a new purse which was more of an investment. Gone are the days of the canvas 16 year old purses with skullls or band names. I actually have a handbag and I have to admit it, I like it. I also got a cute black scarf and black cardigan to match my dress. The weather was pouring but I didn't let it dampen my mood! I was going out on my first date provided for the $34.99 per month Match.com subscription.
So this is a lesson in internet dating:
I got home just in time to get all dolled up. I even painted my nails a beautiful color red, took extra time with scented body lotion, accesories and the perfect hair. Then the warning texts started coming in. This should have been my first sign of what was to come. The "chemist" said that he was still at work and did not have time to go home and change before we went out. We were to meet at Fado down the street from my house at 8:30. I told him he probably looked fine, looks aren't important it's the person that counts and all those warm and fluffy things I believed to be true in my heart. I also imagined him in some khaki's maybe with a polo or button down shirt. White lab coat. Maybe a pair of cute and stylish glasses. Someone I have never wanted but do now. Someone not a drunk, drifter, womanizer, drug addict. Someone who actually had a career path, a good job, a home, a car and something real to say. I rushed around so much that I didn't even have time for the nerves to set in. Before I knew it, it was 8:15 and my cab was pulling up to take me the few short blocks to Fado Irish Pub.
I arrived early which is something new for me. I am usually chronically late, so I wanted to make sure that I was on time to make a good impression. First impressions are important no matter what anyone says. I walked into Fado confident and looking forward to the evening. I texted him after doing a quick walk through of the resturant and found he was not here. He might have been for all I know...it was a match.com date. Well, he was circling the parking lot because he didn't have the five dollars to park. That should have been my first sign. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Most people do not carry cash, they only carry ATM or credit cards. I only had cash because of the cab fair and tip. So with best intentions, I went outside and paid for his parking. When I met him, I realized that my dreams of the "chemist" were dashed. Just because I was honest with my profile, stats and pictures on Match.com does not mean he was. I should have run the other way. But for better or worse in this case, I was already here I was going to use this as experience. At that time, I still thought that just because he was shorter, balder and didn't look like he showered in days this man might have gotten stuck at the lab doing something great for humanity and how dare I judge him by his ratty jeans, tshirt and hoody. We went inside after short greetings. Instead of getting a table for dinner he wanted to sit at the bar. This should have been warning number 2. I quit drinking and was not willing especially on a first date with a complete stranger compromise my sobriety. He ordered a jack and coke and then advised me that he had already had pizza and bear at work. So there was to be no meal, and I was stuck drinking a water with lemon.
Now, I figured since I was already here I needed to go with it. This is the short version of what transpired in the 2 1/2 hours of date.
1. He advised me he had a four year old son due to a girl he "knocked up". He was not fond of the mother and did not express warm and fuzzy feelings about his son. He talked of his son like he was a burden. He actually said that his son was autistic and he was glad so he didn't have to deal with him as much.
2. He is a chemist working on drugs for Hiv. He does not do it for the benefits of humanity, he simply does it for the money. None of the drugs he has made have ever come close to helping, all they do is kill hiv in chimps and then also kill chimps. He found this funny. He also didn't seem like such a animal lover or a people lover for that matter.
3. He told me that if we got into a relationship and either I broke up with him or he broke up with me he would burn the bridge and completley destroy me. Really? I've heard that love is a battlefield but is all this really necessary?
4. He also told me that he has no desire to become close or meet my friends/family if we began dating or having a relationship. Nor would he want me to meet his friends. He does not have very many friends. His only best friend died 8 months ago due to brain cancer and all he could say is that he was glad he no longer had to take him or pick him up from the airport.
5. I knew he had one snake due to his few profile pics on Match.com. No, he has 40 different specicies of snakes that he breeds in incubators in his 2 bedroom condo. That is the only thing he seemed enthusiastic and warm about. The snakes. Now, I have a fear of snakes. I was willing to be open to one snake, but 40 different specicies in one small condo. I don't think so.
6.He does not believe in what he does. He does not believe in medicine. Now, I have a chronic illness I have yet to share in this blog. It's crohn's disease which I got from my biological father that died due to complications of crohn's and alcoholism. He didn't know that I have crohn's nor did I share that information with him. He told me that he manufactures drugs but does not believe in taking medicine in any way. I advised him, although I wasn't all together forthcoming about my own diagnosis that my biological father pasted away from Crohns and that I was very involved in advocacy for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of Atlanta. He said that it was genetic, I probably have it and that the meds they prescribe do not help. They just prolong the inevitable...I will dye young due to complications. All the meds in the world and healthy living will not help.
7. He doesn't believe in marriage and doesn't want kids which on his profile it specifically states he wanted both.
After two and 1/2 hours of this on an empty stomach enough was enough. He paid for his drinks and drove me home. After it was all over he leaned over to hug me and told me he had a great time. He wanted me to go out with him on Friday and meet his dad! He actually thought it went well. OMG! I quickly got out of the car and walked still holding my head up high to my apartment.
So, now that is over, and I shared this story with my BFF and my mom eating a bowl of much needed multi grain cheerious, I can say this much. I am not upset, depressed, sad or disappointed. I am proud of myself for letting myself try something new, trust in someone new and they way I handled myself. So what if it didn't work out. At least I faced my fear! This is just the beginning and it can't get much worse right?
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
See, I have worked with this one woman in my department for 5+ years. She is one of the only people there in my department besides management I trusted. All the people that work in my department are bitter and disasatisfied. They are backstabbers and they will do whatever it takes to get ahead. Since for 5 years there have been no advancement opportunities,our department does not have a good vibe in it. Have you ever seen a bunch of crabs in a pot. They'll climb all over each other just to get out. Well that describes my department in a nutshell. I thought this one woman was not like the others. I sit next to her. We talk about our families, interests, love life etc. We buy Christmas and birthday gifts for each other. We confide in each other. I thought in all aspects, it was a mutual friendship. So when she applied for the leadership program in the beginning of the year, I wrote a well thought out and glowing recommendation. She got into the program and has changed since being elected into it. Being in the leadership program is like working your 40+ hour work week and then going to a seperate job. It requires a lot of time, energy and commitment. Well, she hasn't been around much.
Well today, she showed her true colors. She had a meeting with my director and told on a lot of people for things that they were doing wrong at work. Then, after her meeting, she went and told everyone that she told on that it was me who was going to management and getting people in trouble. So now, everyone started treating me with contempt and said things loudly about me. I didn't understand why. I got so upset and confused because I didn't understand why people that I worked so hard at building a professional relationship with would all of a sudden treat me so poorly. I went to my manager and found out that she was the one infact that had told on everyone. No one even got in trouble but she still felt the need after turning everyone in, to make me the nark. I just couldn't believe that after 5 years of friendship she would throw me to the wolves like that. I felt more betrayed than I have in a while. What's bad is it made me cry which is so unprofessional. I let them get the best of me. I went home. Tomorrow is a new day though. I have to remind myself of something a wise person told me-you have to make yourself your number one priority. You have to go into work looking out for yourself because you never know in corporate america what motivates people around you. Also most importantly I have to remember that all things good and bad do not last forever. This too will pass. Tomorrow is a new day and all I can do is go to work, plug in my headphones, do my job to the best of my abilitities and never let them see me sweat!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Speaking of which, I really am enjoying my job again. I love having a new challenge and conquering it. By the time I have my first one on one with my new supervisor, I want her to be impressed. She gave me back 14.5 hours of paid time off today. Yeah, more vacation time! I want to use it on seeing a part of the country I have never seen. I want to travel more this year too.
I already am on my way to accomplishing some of my goals. I started my diet plan today. I researched jenny craig. You know those commercials...Just call Jenny. Loose 20 pounds for $20.00. Talk about false advertising. It's $130.00 a week for food a lone. To join, they say the only way you can loose the weight and keep it off is to pay $399.00 for a full year of weight loss counseling. Are you kidding me! All I need to do is watch my calorie intake by keeping a food journal and excercise. So who needs Jenny, who by the way was a man!
Monday, March 1, 2010
It was more than the new assignment though. I've been reading this career self help book. I am cringing at having to type self help book right now, but it really has helped get my mind in the right place when it comes to my job. I've always believed that self help books were lame. First of all the whole "self help" label embarrases me because it's so cliche. It implys that you need help which is true otherwise you wouldn't have purchased the book in the first place. But, I swallowed my pride and found that I did need some help in how to control my anger, anxiety or stress at work. I also needed help on how to weave through the never ending web of office backstabing and gossip. The book has taught me how to go to work and put the best foot forward. I went into work rested, polished, confident and focused. I got things done and put on a happy face. What a difference my day went with the few tips I read in the book.
I also began working on my personal goals. I got off of work and immediately went to the gym. I only did cardio for 20 minutes but it was a start in the right direction. Of course I hated it, but just like everything else, I just need to try new things and see what works for me. In the meantime, the treadmill it is. I also got home from work and took Rex for a walk which he enjoyed.
So at the end of the day, I really feel good at what I accomplished. I no longer feel that I lack control in my own life and future. I even had a phone call from a potential date...Life is getting better!! I hope I continue to learn everyday about myself and how to achieve the goals I so deserve to achieve this year. I'm more optimistic than I have been in a while.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
So here are the list of things I wish to accomplish:
- Loose weight. I am currently 5 feet 7 inches and 175lbs. I have been this weight for 4 years. I use to be 145. By the end of this 300 days I want to be back at the 145. I will research different weight loss avenues and share them with you. I will also keep track of my progress on this blog.
- Get in shape. I haven't been in shape in awhile. I will try out new physical activities such as utilizing the gym at work, taking a yoga class, taking my dog Rex out for long walks, bowling, running and playing sports.
- I will financially start a savings plan. I will come up with and keep a budget to get back on track. I will also minimize my outstanding debt.
- I will purchase a car!!!
- I will find new things to interest me besides reading.
- I will go on a vacation
- I will research and enroll in school by the end of this year for my new chosen field
- I will start dating again.
- I will move out of my apartment to some new place that inspires me.
- I will stay sober and smoke free!!!
I can always change my goals or add more. I know it's a long list but I am up to the task. Tomorrow is the start of me making things happen. Tonight, I am going to finish watching Love Actually and enjoy the rest of my weekend!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Sight-Watch a favorite TV show or movie. Maybe go to your favorite park or the beach.
Touch-Cuddle up in your favorite Pj's. Sport your favorite outfit that feels good on your skin.
Smell- Candles, flowers, maybe baked goods. Whatever your favorite smell is.
Taste-Keep some of your favorite foods in the house or go to your favorite restaurant, coffee house etc.
Sound**Very important** Make sure you surround yourself with music you love.
So when I am having a bad day, I listen to Muse. It makes me feel empowered! They are awesome. I love going to see live bands in concert be it a local artist or a national act. Muse tickets went on sale a few months ago.I wanted to buy tickets when they went on sale, but they sold out immediately. So, what is a girl to do. Look on Ebay of course. I found tickets but they were going for $1000.00 a ticket. I cannot afford to spend $1000.00 on a ticket. I cannot afford to spend $1000.00 on anything come to think about it. I gave up hope. I remember going to see them in little theaters when no one really knew who they were. I loved them back then. Now they are playing huge stadiums and ampitheaters. So I figured there was no hope. My job does have a box that they have at Gwinett Arena. I asked my boss if I could get tickets back when we had a better relationship. He said that I was on a list. There were people infront of me. I figured with my luck lately I wouldn't get them. Well, Friday he gave me the tickets. Finally something went right for me. Sometimes, all you need is one thing be it big or small to go right for you and means the difference.
So one of my best guy friends that I've known forever and I went. He is my favorite person to see movies or go to a concert with. He is such a hard core movie and music buff and he knows so much. I really enjoy spending time with him. So we went and Muse put on the most incredible show that I have ever seen. People, I have seen A LOT of shows and they blew my mind. I think back at where I was this time last Saturday...crying, drunk and just devastated. What progress I have made in the last week. I hope this is the start of good luck and good things coming my way.
We will be victorious!!!
Friday, February 26, 2010
One thing I have to do is eliminate all the toxic people in my life. Toxic people just drain me of time, energy and they take away my self worth. If after spending time with someone, no matter if it is a lover, family member, friend or co worker and you walk away feeling like part of you has been chipped off then you don't need them in your life. I need to be more selective with my heart, but that doesn't mean I have to hide from the world. I laughed tonight like I haven't in soooo long! The wound is closing and I can live again. So what if my job is making me unhappy, and things aren't the way I want. As long as I have people to surround me with love when things get rough, I will be okay no matter what. Now it's time to rebuild!