Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Day 18 Never Compromise Yourself

Journal Entry: Friday March 12-Never Compromise Yourself

What a day! A beautiful beginning but a tragic ending! Everyday as I embark on this journey to find myself, reinvent myself and find out what I really want out of life there will be learning experiences. I look forward to each of them knowing it is these experiences that will bring me closer to my ultimate goal of getting exactly what I want out of life. Today was defiantly a learning experience.
Friday! It’s like music to my ears every week. A welcome friend to relieve me after a stressful work week. I looked forward to my monthly visit from my mom over the weekend. I haven’t seen her since the Super bowl. I went to work ready to tie up some loose ends, send reports, make some calls and kick some ass. Only to be followed by conquering the elliptical for 30 minutes something that has not been possible yet. I had an 11:30 luncheon at work. It was for all the volunteers that stayed behind and worked while everyone else went to the 70’ themed customer operations award event. Once I got to the luncheon, the vice president of customer operations informed us all over our gourmet boxed lunch that we could grab our food and go home paid without using PTO for the rest of the day! I figured since our department had already given us the 4 hours PTO that I had used earlier in the week I would not be allowed to go home. To my surprise when returning to the floor I was told to pack up and enjoy the rest of my Friday! It was like music to my ears and my prayers had been answered. I immediately grabbed my belongings including my packed work out bag and headed for the gym to conquer those 30 minutes on the elliptical! I went to the bank by taxi even though it was raining. Got the money I needed to give my mom to put towards my potential car. I didn’t even let the ugly thunderstorm stop me from running errands. I took a $20.00 cab ride to Buckhead. I went to target and took my time getting cleaning supplies. I even managed to snatch up some nice sets of earrings for a discounted price. I took the bus home to clean the house and watch the golden girls. I still had to do dishes, laundry, dusting and vacuuming. God what a lot of dishes! The next apartment/condo or house (fingers crossed) I get I will make sure it has a dish washer. I am not made to wash dishes. I always miss something and my back just can’t take it. I had finally hit my stride when I received the call I knew that was going to take me down a road I didn’t need to go. My other bf called. She still wanted to go to Eastside Lounge in East Atlanta. Her car was not working so we would have to take a cab after she had dinner with her parents. She wanted to go out at 9:30. I explained to her that my mother was arriving early tomorrow morning for a short visit. I still had a lot of cleaning to do. I still hadn’t even managed to eat dinner. I didn’t want to go out late and stay out when my mom would be here in the morning. I wanted to be well rested with all my cleaning and errands accomplished. I didn’t want to spend the money on cabs, etc. She has been having issues with her on again off again boyfriend and has been hammering at me to go out for weeks. I still did not feel secure in my new founded sobriety to be out in a dance bar or any bar for that matter. She knew that I was trying to stay sober and I had voiced my concerns over and over again in the past weeks. All my words of concern fell on deaf ears. So I didn’t feel like another argument or worse her telling me how once again she was disappointed. So against my better judgement I went. She wanted to be out by 9:30 and I would pay for one cab ride to ESL and she would pay for the one home. We had agreed to be home no later than 2. Well I stopped cleaning, scarfed food down and got ready. At 9:30 I called her, but her parents where still there eating. She advised me that she would call me once they left. By 10 pm she called and advised me that they had left but she wasn’t ready to go. I became infuriated for several reasons. First, she didn’t respect that I had things to do and cleaning to finish. Second that it was later and I needed to be up early so I could spend some much needed time with my family. Third she didn’t care about even asking me in 2 days how my date went. Fourth...she didn’t care about what I wanted at all...most of all my sobriety. By the time I picked her up in the cab at 11 I was infuriated. I could barely say anything. I was mad. Mad that I was out, my back hurt and I was tired. I knew in the back of my mind nothing good could come of this night. Sure enough, I went and had 2 drinks to dull the pain of my back and get me in a better mood. There was no better mood to get me in by drinking though. I was not drunk, all it did was piss me off more that I had not stuck to my beliefs and made myself my first priority. She didn’t care that I was breaking a promise I had made to myself to not drink. She only cared about herself. She finally did ask me about my date. Maybe she thought my bad mood was from that experience. My bad mood was due to letting myself down by putting others wants and needs before my own. It was so smoky and I was in so much pain. I left her there getting into another cab. I only had enough cash to make it to the highlander. The night had cost me $60.00 that should have gone to my savings for a night that I did not enjoy. Luckily I got a ride from some good friends of mine. I didn’t have anymore drinks, I didn’t smoke but I let myself down. I was home reeking of smoke at 4am only to have to wake up and finish dusting and vacuuming for my mom’s jammed packed visit. From now on, I need to listen to my heart and myself. I need to make better choices. I do not blame her for falling off the wagon. It was my choice to go and it was my choice to drink. It is a learning experience, one I will not forget.

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