Saturday, March 27, 2010

Day 31 Breathe Me Wednesday March 24 2010

So, about yesterday. There is so much to say that I didn't have time give it justice. I started this blog for very specific reasons. I use to blog on myspace and though it did serve it's purpose at the time, it's not in my best interests for me to expose myself on my myspace page. Hell, who really uses myspace anymore anyway. People are either on facebook or twittering their little hearts out. I also wanted to embark on this new beginning in my life and in order to do this, I wanted to take it to the next level. I hope that it ends up being as entertaining for my readers as it was on myspace over the years.
I mainly started this blog after a man that held my heart in his hands for the last 11 years left. I met him when I was 24. It was always a very intense all consuming relationship but with fire you are bound to get burned. At first, it was an affair...shame on me. Then it was a relationship with the shared car, shared money, home and his and her insurance. Then, there was infedelity followed by years of devastating breakups, makeups and everything inbetween. I was so involved with him, I lost me some how along the way. Then finally after almost 11 years of back and forth, and us having relationships with other people we came to a cross roads. I should clarify, I came to a crossroads. He had already crossed the road and went to the other side. For years I was stuck because even though we were no longer "together" he never allowed me to fully move on. Stuck in limbo. Unable to go back, unable to move forward. Unable to breathe. I got the news he intended on moving. I lost my mind. Really I did. What was I going to do without this man who I depended on when he wasn't really dependable. Who was I going to be without him? How now at the age of 35 was I going to have my happy ending. He was moving to an exotic new city with a brand new girlfriend. I was still in the apartment with the scuff marks over my bed from our relationship. We said our goodbyes, he left and I was devastated. But with devastation, comes rebirth and rebuilding. And that's what made me start this blog. It was to document my goals, document my life and share it with people who might find themselves having a early mid life crisis. I always thought he would be better off...hell everything came easy to him. He had everything he wanted. I was the one that was going to have to scream, cry, crawl and struggle to regain myself.
But, a funny thing happened boys and girls. I woke up to the phone call I didn't see coming. He called. I was shocked and courious what was up. Instead of jumping up and down, hanging on his every word my first response was "what do you want". I wasn't trying to be mean, hateful or vindictive. I have loved this man for 11 years and even though I am not happy with how things went down, I will always wish him the best, love him in a way, and wish him happiness. I figured he was calling to let me know how wonderful his life was. It was the opposite though. He wasn't happy, I could hear it in the sound of his voice. He complained about the new place, the fact of everyone speaking spanish, the lack of work for him, his new girlfriends kid. The fact he couldn't sleep at night. He sounded sick, exhausted and just unhappy. Here I was thinking when he left, I would be the one to suffer. He asked me how I was, if I was okay. And the weirdest most satisfying thing happened. The answer shocked me. I am okay! I'm better than okay. I'm great. And it wasn' t a lie. I might have been sick for the last 2 weeks and let's face it people, the blog was a real debbie downer. As a whole though, I am stronger, happier and healthier than I have been in the last 11 years. I've grown so much as a person and have found myself. The fact he misses me is just icing on the cake! I got off the phone, and cried for a minute. And then, it stopped. Not after days or hours or minutes. A minute. What sweet progress!

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