Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Day 23Wednesday March 17, 2010 Happy St Patricks Day & Happy Birthday Rexie!!!

Today marks a lot of things for me. It was a year today, I was at home recovering from my first Crohn's surgery unable to partake in St. Patricks Day festivities. Green beer and percocets don't go well. Today also marks a year that I stopped being a vegetarian. I was a full time vegetarian for only a year. I just love cheeseburgers and steak too much! Here I am a year later, and once again I am home sick for how long I do not know. Today also is Rex's my chubby and adorable beagle's 7th birthday! Too bad two years in a row I have been under the weather. So many emotions are overwhelming me now. I feel bad that I'm missing work. I'm nervous that my new assignment is going to think I am not dependable. I am emotionally drained from knowing that I have been following the doctor's orders and taking medication...It has yet to make a dent in how I feel. I know I will have to spend the $25.00 co payment and miss yet another day of work to get a steroid shot. Right now I don't know how I will find the strength to get out of bed feeling as lousy as I am, get on the bus and drag my sick ass to the hospital. The whole situation just upsets me because I really wanted this year to be the start of feeling better, doing more things, less time in the hospital and more time at work. Hell, I just want to live a sick free normal life. I keep questioning why I was handed this lot in life. St Patricks Day is the perfect time for me to reflect upon it.

I am irish by birth. My biological dad was irish, hence why I was named Erin. I came from a very proud irish family on my biological father's side. He was never around. He was abusive to my mother and lucky for both my mom and I, she left where I was born in NJ and moved to Virginia where she would meet the man I call my dad. Any man can give sperm, only a true man can be a father. I can honestly say I have the best dad in the world and I would not change that for anything! My biological dad has haunted me for years and especially around St. Patricks Day. It's hard to not think of him since I was named for his nationality. He's been dead due to alcoholism and complications of gout, heart disease, diabetes and crohn's disease. He never gave me anything but childhood nightmares, emotional abuse and a chronic illness. The fact that he died at 49 makes me sad and yet apprehensive on how long I will be around. I know I am combating the disease as much as possible. I stay up to date on treatments, eat well, exercise, don't smoke, don't drink, get plenty of sleep. I keep my doctors appointments and take medicine plus vitamins and minerals. All this and yet here I sit, sick and unable to fight off this bronchitis. All because of some bad genes from my biological dad! The years of torment and abuse are long past me. I no longer question why he was so cruel and emotionally unavailable in my life. I no longer question why he didn't step up and be the father I deserve or why he never loved me. I no longer feel that I did something wrong or I wasn't good enough for him or his messed up family. I am grateful for the dad I have. The dad that is always there to support me, love me, comfort me and raise me to be the fighter I am today.


But it is St Patricks day...old habits die hard. I will now only allow myself to think of my deceased sperm doner today! I hope I get better. I want to live a better life than he did.

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