Journal Entry: Friday March 12-Never Compromise Yourself
What a day! A beautiful beginning but a tragic ending! Everyday as I embark on this journey to find myself, reinvent myself and find out what I really want out of life there will be learning experiences. I look forward to each of them knowing it is these experiences that will bring me closer to my ultimate goal of getting exactly what I want out of life. Today was defiantly a learning experience.
Friday! It’s like music to my ears every week. A welcome friend to relieve me after a stressful work week. I looked forward to my monthly visit from my mom over the weekend. I haven’t seen her since the Super bowl. I went to work ready to tie up some loose ends, send reports, make some calls and kick some ass. Only to be followed by conquering the elliptical for 30 minutes something that has not been possible yet. I had an 11:30 luncheon at work. It was for all the volunteers that stayed behind and worked while everyone else went to the 70’ themed customer operations award event. Once I got to the luncheon, the vice president of customer operations informed us all over our gourmet boxed lunch that we could grab our food and go home paid without using PTO for the rest of the day! I figured since our department had already given us the 4 hours PTO that I had used earlier in the week I would not be allowed to go home. To my surprise when returning to the floor I was told to pack up and enjoy the rest of my Friday! It was like music to my ears and my prayers had been answered. I immediately grabbed my belongings including my packed work out bag and headed for the gym to conquer those 30 minutes on the elliptical! I went to the bank by taxi even though it was raining. Got the money I needed to give my mom to put towards my potential car. I didn’t even let the ugly thunderstorm stop me from running errands. I took a $20.00 cab ride to Buckhead. I went to target and took my time getting cleaning supplies. I even managed to snatch up some nice sets of earrings for a discounted price. I took the bus home to clean the house and watch the golden girls. I still had to do dishes, laundry, dusting and vacuuming. God what a lot of dishes! The next apartment/condo or house (fingers crossed) I get I will make sure it has a dish washer. I am not made to wash dishes. I always miss something and my back just can’t take it. I had finally hit my stride when I received the call I knew that was going to take me down a road I didn’t need to go. My other bf called. She still wanted to go to Eastside Lounge in East Atlanta. Her car was not working so we would have to take a cab after she had dinner with her parents. She wanted to go out at 9:30. I explained to her that my mother was arriving early tomorrow morning for a short visit. I still had a lot of cleaning to do. I still hadn’t even managed to eat dinner. I didn’t want to go out late and stay out when my mom would be here in the morning. I wanted to be well rested with all my cleaning and errands accomplished. I didn’t want to spend the money on cabs, etc. She has been having issues with her on again off again boyfriend and has been hammering at me to go out for weeks. I still did not feel secure in my new founded sobriety to be out in a dance bar or any bar for that matter. She knew that I was trying to stay sober and I had voiced my concerns over and over again in the past weeks. All my words of concern fell on deaf ears. So I didn’t feel like another argument or worse her telling me how once again she was disappointed. So against my better judgement I went. She wanted to be out by 9:30 and I would pay for one cab ride to ESL and she would pay for the one home. We had agreed to be home no later than 2. Well I stopped cleaning, scarfed food down and got ready. At 9:30 I called her, but her parents where still there eating. She advised me that she would call me once they left. By 10 pm she called and advised me that they had left but she wasn’t ready to go. I became infuriated for several reasons. First, she didn’t respect that I had things to do and cleaning to finish. Second that it was later and I needed to be up early so I could spend some much needed time with my family. Third she didn’t care about even asking me in 2 days how my date went. Fourth...she didn’t care about what I wanted at all...most of all my sobriety. By the time I picked her up in the cab at 11 I was infuriated. I could barely say anything. I was mad. Mad that I was out, my back hurt and I was tired. I knew in the back of my mind nothing good could come of this night. Sure enough, I went and had 2 drinks to dull the pain of my back and get me in a better mood. There was no better mood to get me in by drinking though. I was not drunk, all it did was piss me off more that I had not stuck to my beliefs and made myself my first priority. She didn’t care that I was breaking a promise I had made to myself to not drink. She only cared about herself. She finally did ask me about my date. Maybe she thought my bad mood was from that experience. My bad mood was due to letting myself down by putting others wants and needs before my own. It was so smoky and I was in so much pain. I left her there getting into another cab. I only had enough cash to make it to the highlander. The night had cost me $60.00 that should have gone to my savings for a night that I did not enjoy. Luckily I got a ride from some good friends of mine. I didn’t have anymore drinks, I didn’t smoke but I let myself down. I was home reeking of smoke at 4am only to have to wake up and finish dusting and vacuuming for my mom’s jammed packed visit. From now on, I need to listen to my heart and myself. I need to make better choices. I do not blame her for falling off the wagon. It was my choice to go and it was my choice to drink. It is a learning experience, one I will not forget.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Day 17 March 11 Exhaustion
God, I'm tired. I wish I had some time to myself to do nothing. I have laundry, dishes, dusting, vacumming, gardening, blogging, errands and golden girls to watch. It seems like lately I am just go go going with no time to breathe. I wish in a way I wouldn't have used that 4 hours awarded PTO on "the chemist". I could have used it to get some rest. Between getting up and going to work, a quick 30 minute lunch which doesn't leave me much time to do anything but scarf a quick lunch, the gym, once a week therapy sessions, dog walks, and trying to have a life I have no time. Every weekend, it seems like something is going on. I should be grateful, but I'm exhausted. This weekend, my other BFF J wants me to go to the 80"s retro dance night at Eastside Lounge in East Atlanta Village. She has been having issues with her on again off again boyfriend and wants to go out and dance. I just want to go home friday and sleep. I haven't had a drink since Feb 20 and explained my sobriety issues. It's not that I'm an alcoholic, I'm just making better life choices. I don't think I am strong enough to go to a bar. Plus, my mom is coming for the weekend which I am looking forward to. I need to clean, and run errands before she gets here saturday. How am I going to cram it all in? Every time I don't want to or can't do soemthing she wants to do lately she crys and hangs up on me...What to do?
Day 16 Wed March 10 Date from Hell
Well well well. I am home from my date. All I can do is laugh. I'm not upset, or disappointed. I am not angry or depressed. I am proud that I faced my fear of blind dating! So here how it went:
I got off of work 3 hours early. I went and put together a cute outfit with a new purse which was more of an investment. Gone are the days of the canvas 16 year old purses with skullls or band names. I actually have a handbag and I have to admit it, I like it. I also got a cute black scarf and black cardigan to match my dress. The weather was pouring but I didn't let it dampen my mood! I was going out on my first date provided for the $34.99 per month Match.com subscription.
So this is a lesson in internet dating:
I got home just in time to get all dolled up. I even painted my nails a beautiful color red, took extra time with scented body lotion, accesories and the perfect hair. Then the warning texts started coming in. This should have been my first sign of what was to come. The "chemist" said that he was still at work and did not have time to go home and change before we went out. We were to meet at Fado down the street from my house at 8:30. I told him he probably looked fine, looks aren't important it's the person that counts and all those warm and fluffy things I believed to be true in my heart. I also imagined him in some khaki's maybe with a polo or button down shirt. White lab coat. Maybe a pair of cute and stylish glasses. Someone I have never wanted but do now. Someone not a drunk, drifter, womanizer, drug addict. Someone who actually had a career path, a good job, a home, a car and something real to say. I rushed around so much that I didn't even have time for the nerves to set in. Before I knew it, it was 8:15 and my cab was pulling up to take me the few short blocks to Fado Irish Pub.
I arrived early which is something new for me. I am usually chronically late, so I wanted to make sure that I was on time to make a good impression. First impressions are important no matter what anyone says. I walked into Fado confident and looking forward to the evening. I texted him after doing a quick walk through of the resturant and found he was not here. He might have been for all I know...it was a match.com date. Well, he was circling the parking lot because he didn't have the five dollars to park. That should have been my first sign. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Most people do not carry cash, they only carry ATM or credit cards. I only had cash because of the cab fair and tip. So with best intentions, I went outside and paid for his parking. When I met him, I realized that my dreams of the "chemist" were dashed. Just because I was honest with my profile, stats and pictures on Match.com does not mean he was. I should have run the other way. But for better or worse in this case, I was already here I was going to use this as experience. At that time, I still thought that just because he was shorter, balder and didn't look like he showered in days this man might have gotten stuck at the lab doing something great for humanity and how dare I judge him by his ratty jeans, tshirt and hoody. We went inside after short greetings. Instead of getting a table for dinner he wanted to sit at the bar. This should have been warning number 2. I quit drinking and was not willing especially on a first date with a complete stranger compromise my sobriety. He ordered a jack and coke and then advised me that he had already had pizza and bear at work. So there was to be no meal, and I was stuck drinking a water with lemon.
Now, I figured since I was already here I needed to go with it. This is the short version of what transpired in the 2 1/2 hours of date.
1. He advised me he had a four year old son due to a girl he "knocked up". He was not fond of the mother and did not express warm and fuzzy feelings about his son. He talked of his son like he was a burden. He actually said that his son was autistic and he was glad so he didn't have to deal with him as much.
2. He is a chemist working on drugs for Hiv. He does not do it for the benefits of humanity, he simply does it for the money. None of the drugs he has made have ever come close to helping, all they do is kill hiv in chimps and then also kill chimps. He found this funny. He also didn't seem like such a animal lover or a people lover for that matter.
3. He told me that if we got into a relationship and either I broke up with him or he broke up with me he would burn the bridge and completley destroy me. Really? I've heard that love is a battlefield but is all this really necessary?
4. He also told me that he has no desire to become close or meet my friends/family if we began dating or having a relationship. Nor would he want me to meet his friends. He does not have very many friends. His only best friend died 8 months ago due to brain cancer and all he could say is that he was glad he no longer had to take him or pick him up from the airport.
5. I knew he had one snake due to his few profile pics on Match.com. No, he has 40 different specicies of snakes that he breeds in incubators in his 2 bedroom condo. That is the only thing he seemed enthusiastic and warm about. The snakes. Now, I have a fear of snakes. I was willing to be open to one snake, but 40 different specicies in one small condo. I don't think so.
6.He does not believe in what he does. He does not believe in medicine. Now, I have a chronic illness I have yet to share in this blog. It's crohn's disease which I got from my biological father that died due to complications of crohn's and alcoholism. He didn't know that I have crohn's nor did I share that information with him. He told me that he manufactures drugs but does not believe in taking medicine in any way. I advised him, although I wasn't all together forthcoming about my own diagnosis that my biological father pasted away from Crohns and that I was very involved in advocacy for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of Atlanta. He said that it was genetic, I probably have it and that the meds they prescribe do not help. They just prolong the inevitable...I will dye young due to complications. All the meds in the world and healthy living will not help.
7. He doesn't believe in marriage and doesn't want kids which on his profile it specifically states he wanted both.
After two and 1/2 hours of this on an empty stomach enough was enough. He paid for his drinks and drove me home. After it was all over he leaned over to hug me and told me he had a great time. He wanted me to go out with him on Friday and meet his dad! He actually thought it went well. OMG! I quickly got out of the car and walked still holding my head up high to my apartment.
So, now that is over, and I shared this story with my BFF and my mom eating a bowl of much needed multi grain cheerious, I can say this much. I am not upset, depressed, sad or disappointed. I am proud of myself for letting myself try something new, trust in someone new and they way I handled myself. So what if it didn't work out. At least I faced my fear! This is just the beginning and it can't get much worse right?
I got off of work 3 hours early. I went and put together a cute outfit with a new purse which was more of an investment. Gone are the days of the canvas 16 year old purses with skullls or band names. I actually have a handbag and I have to admit it, I like it. I also got a cute black scarf and black cardigan to match my dress. The weather was pouring but I didn't let it dampen my mood! I was going out on my first date provided for the $34.99 per month Match.com subscription.
So this is a lesson in internet dating:
I got home just in time to get all dolled up. I even painted my nails a beautiful color red, took extra time with scented body lotion, accesories and the perfect hair. Then the warning texts started coming in. This should have been my first sign of what was to come. The "chemist" said that he was still at work and did not have time to go home and change before we went out. We were to meet at Fado down the street from my house at 8:30. I told him he probably looked fine, looks aren't important it's the person that counts and all those warm and fluffy things I believed to be true in my heart. I also imagined him in some khaki's maybe with a polo or button down shirt. White lab coat. Maybe a pair of cute and stylish glasses. Someone I have never wanted but do now. Someone not a drunk, drifter, womanizer, drug addict. Someone who actually had a career path, a good job, a home, a car and something real to say. I rushed around so much that I didn't even have time for the nerves to set in. Before I knew it, it was 8:15 and my cab was pulling up to take me the few short blocks to Fado Irish Pub.
I arrived early which is something new for me. I am usually chronically late, so I wanted to make sure that I was on time to make a good impression. First impressions are important no matter what anyone says. I walked into Fado confident and looking forward to the evening. I texted him after doing a quick walk through of the resturant and found he was not here. He might have been for all I know...it was a match.com date. Well, he was circling the parking lot because he didn't have the five dollars to park. That should have been my first sign. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Most people do not carry cash, they only carry ATM or credit cards. I only had cash because of the cab fair and tip. So with best intentions, I went outside and paid for his parking. When I met him, I realized that my dreams of the "chemist" were dashed. Just because I was honest with my profile, stats and pictures on Match.com does not mean he was. I should have run the other way. But for better or worse in this case, I was already here I was going to use this as experience. At that time, I still thought that just because he was shorter, balder and didn't look like he showered in days this man might have gotten stuck at the lab doing something great for humanity and how dare I judge him by his ratty jeans, tshirt and hoody. We went inside after short greetings. Instead of getting a table for dinner he wanted to sit at the bar. This should have been warning number 2. I quit drinking and was not willing especially on a first date with a complete stranger compromise my sobriety. He ordered a jack and coke and then advised me that he had already had pizza and bear at work. So there was to be no meal, and I was stuck drinking a water with lemon.
Now, I figured since I was already here I needed to go with it. This is the short version of what transpired in the 2 1/2 hours of date.
1. He advised me he had a four year old son due to a girl he "knocked up". He was not fond of the mother and did not express warm and fuzzy feelings about his son. He talked of his son like he was a burden. He actually said that his son was autistic and he was glad so he didn't have to deal with him as much.
2. He is a chemist working on drugs for Hiv. He does not do it for the benefits of humanity, he simply does it for the money. None of the drugs he has made have ever come close to helping, all they do is kill hiv in chimps and then also kill chimps. He found this funny. He also didn't seem like such a animal lover or a people lover for that matter.
3. He told me that if we got into a relationship and either I broke up with him or he broke up with me he would burn the bridge and completley destroy me. Really? I've heard that love is a battlefield but is all this really necessary?
4. He also told me that he has no desire to become close or meet my friends/family if we began dating or having a relationship. Nor would he want me to meet his friends. He does not have very many friends. His only best friend died 8 months ago due to brain cancer and all he could say is that he was glad he no longer had to take him or pick him up from the airport.
5. I knew he had one snake due to his few profile pics on Match.com. No, he has 40 different specicies of snakes that he breeds in incubators in his 2 bedroom condo. That is the only thing he seemed enthusiastic and warm about. The snakes. Now, I have a fear of snakes. I was willing to be open to one snake, but 40 different specicies in one small condo. I don't think so.
6.He does not believe in what he does. He does not believe in medicine. Now, I have a chronic illness I have yet to share in this blog. It's crohn's disease which I got from my biological father that died due to complications of crohn's and alcoholism. He didn't know that I have crohn's nor did I share that information with him. He told me that he manufactures drugs but does not believe in taking medicine in any way. I advised him, although I wasn't all together forthcoming about my own diagnosis that my biological father pasted away from Crohns and that I was very involved in advocacy for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of Atlanta. He said that it was genetic, I probably have it and that the meds they prescribe do not help. They just prolong the inevitable...I will dye young due to complications. All the meds in the world and healthy living will not help.
7. He doesn't believe in marriage and doesn't want kids which on his profile it specifically states he wanted both.
After two and 1/2 hours of this on an empty stomach enough was enough. He paid for his drinks and drove me home. After it was all over he leaned over to hug me and told me he had a great time. He wanted me to go out with him on Friday and meet his dad! He actually thought it went well. OMG! I quickly got out of the car and walked still holding my head up high to my apartment.
So, now that is over, and I shared this story with my BFF and my mom eating a bowl of much needed multi grain cheerious, I can say this much. I am not upset, depressed, sad or disappointed. I am proud of myself for letting myself try something new, trust in someone new and they way I handled myself. So what if it didn't work out. At least I faced my fear! This is just the beginning and it can't get much worse right?
Day 15 March 9 Hand written thanks
Today was a good day. I went to work and found out I got 4 hours of PTO awarded due to volunteering to stay behind for the customer operations event. I decided with my date looming ahead I would leave work 3 hours early on Wednesday and come into work 1hour late. Sounds like a good plan. I love the company I work for, and I love the work that I do. I just wish that there wasn't so much politics and backstabbing. The sales managers from my old territory that I worked for came to sit with us. It was a satisfying feeling to have them say they wished I still worked on their team. It made me feel like I really am good at my job. I also received a beautiful hand written card from a sales rep that I supported at my last assignment letting me know how much she appreciated everything I did for her and her team. It's always good to feel appreciated. I finally felt like the work I do everyday touches people's lives. I felt like I make a difference with the company. And that my friends, makes me really excited about my future no matter where it takes me.
Day 14 March 8 Yippee yeah ..a real live date
What a day to remember. I got the call that the chemist wants to meet me Wednesday for the date. I am a ball of nerves. I have never been on a real date. That sounds so unbelievable at 35. Most of the relationships I have been in, I met the guy hanging out with friends or at a bar. We hung out, we fell in love or at least I thought we did, we moved in together way to soon and then we had horrible break ups. Splitting hairs, money, movies, music, appliances and many tears when it was over. There was never the first blind date. Or the date when the man picks you up and you go to dinner and a movie. None of that. I took the road less traveled in love and now I don't know where the hell I am? There has never been any blind dates or dates that were fixed up by mutual friends. I really don't know how to act about the whole thing. I am fearful, but hopeful that this is the start of something good. Even if the date does not go well, at least I will conquer my fear of dating. We are suppose to meet up at Fado on Wednesday night. Fingers Crossed! I am actually giddy?!
Day 13 March 7 Respect your elders...
I woke up with a glimpse of what my life will be like if I do not find a mate to share my life with. My downstairs neighbor just turned 97 in February. She lives a lone. I always love going downstairs and hearing about her stories. She has wonderful old stories about how life was back a long time ago when she was a little girl. She can tell you about the first time she saw the firt automobile, the great fire of Atlanta that destroyed downtown from Boulevard all the way up Virginia Highlands. She can tell me about the depression, world wars, the equal rights movement and feminism. She tells me how our Buckhead neighborhood looked before the city decided to get rid of the old and put up condos that no one can afford to buy right now. She is a wealth of knowledge, lovely stories and a beautiful soul inside and out. I really enjoy listening to her tell me about the simplier life before cell phones, satellite tv, computers, facebook, and video games. She tells me of home cooked meals, marriages with children and sunday family dinners. Courting, dating and how much things use to cost. Now don't get me wrong, I love technology. Without technology I wouldn't be able to use my android phone or sit at this starbucks and post this blog into cyberspace for all the world to read if they want to. Technology has given us so much but it has also taken away alot. People don't respect people as much. We are so busy going and going, texting instead of calling or visiting. Our kids sit inside on the computer chatting or playing video games and never know what it is like to spend a day outside running through a simple thing like a sprinkler on a hot summers day. My neighbor, bless her heart reminds me of what life use to be and makes me question if I grew up at the right time. Do you ever dream of what it would be like to grow up in a simpler time? But like me, my neighbor was lucky in life but unlucky in love. She married but got divorced and never had children. She was a renagade for her time. Now she is 97 god bless her but has no family and most of her friends are deceased. Who cares for her when she has to go to the hospital. Luckily when she had a sprained muscle in her hip and leg both myself and my neighbor took her to the hospital, stayed with her until she was released, picked up her medication and got her home with her one request...a mcdonald's cheeseburger and fries. She has lived a long life and is very blessed. She is an amazing woman and gorgeous. But she is alone except for the few like me that have taken her under their wing...I would love to live to be 97 but I would love to have a loving husband, children and grandchildren to share the journey with. What if that never happens?
How to blog on the go
So my internet connection at home is not working. The landlord stated that it's fine. But since Day 12 March 6 I haven't been able to blog. It's really frustrating because I am taking this project so seriously. So, what I did was what any girl would do. I went and wrote my blog the old school way, in a journal and documented everday. In my journal I included the experiences that I had and the thoughts and feelings that came with it. Today is actually Sunday March 21st but a lot has happened since the March 6 blog. Hopefully I can arrange it in a way that it will all make sense. So here we go...live from Starbucks I am trying to catch up surrounded by beautiful music and the smell of java! I think I might actually prefer blogging this way, surrounded by different people, sounds and smells. Who knows, it might inspire me. Gotta love starbucks!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)