I loved my first blog. I wished I had kept up with it but at the time I didn't have the resources to keep it going. I was living in a crappy apartment with iffy internet service. My PC computer kept breaking and honestly I was stuck in a rut. Ever wanted to fix everything in one day. I am always like that. I want everything done immediately and I thought that with the blog I could reinvent myself, find love, loose weight and become this super woman who knew herself. The truth is I did reinvent myself, I did find love, I am still loosing weight, but I am still not a superwoman. I'm still trying to find footing in my life just in new ways. So with that being said, I know this year is going to be the most exciting year of my life. Why?
Well the short version is I sold every piece of furniture I had. Moved out of the crappy apartment that was 1200 feet to a new apartment that was 600 square feet. Swore off men and decided to focus on my career and going to photography school. Life has a funny way of changing your plans.
Within a month of moving in, I started dating a man. An old friend. I had progressed. I usually dated bad boys. Guys that were emotionally, physically or just plan unavailable. This man and I will be married in 296 days. We moved in warped speed. Dating now for only 13 months, we moved into a bigger apartment, adopted a dog and got engaged in August. With getting married, merging families, and planning a wedding a whole new set of issues have popped up. I haven't had to live with someone in a long time. That means compromise. I didn't know that I had to trust completely. That meant my husband to be had to patient with me. It also meant me letting go of the ghost of relationships past. We both had to learn how to remain ourselves, blend families and friends. It's had it's challenges. I never thought that planning a wedding was so expensive, so time consuming. I didn't know my life would stay the same but change so drastically. So reinventing yourself at 35 is now getting married at 38. The blog will not just be about me getting married. It won't be just about place settings, dress colors, cake tasting etc. It will be about two people never married trying to figure it all out. I still don't know what I'm going to call it. I just know I'm going to do this!
It will still be heartfelt and honest. I hope you will enjoy it. Happy New Year!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Friday, September 10, 2010
More to come...
Hello All! My blog has been hiatis due to many reasons. A lot has happened since March. It has been a year of change and I feel I have grown more in the last 7 months than I have in years. But due to computer issues, health issues and well pure laziness I have slacked when it came to my blog. I appologize to myself, my followers and everyone else for that. Honestly, I took life by the horns and ran with it and just didn't document it like I originally wanted to. But let me be clear, this has been the most exciting time in my life, a time of self reinvention, of growing, of struggles and triumphs. I will once again begin to write everyday. I will be sharing my progress and bringing things up to date first...kinda like a backstory. I have committed myself once again to 365 days and can't wait to see the outcome. I hope you will enjoy reading this blog as much as I will enjoy sharing my triumphs and failures with you. This blog will be one thing and that is honest. I hope you will decide to read it and give me your thoughts on it. I would love to hear from you.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Day 35 Sunday March 28 You know your single when
The funniest thing happened today. Well it began last night, my best friend decided to involve herself in my search for mr. right. Now you must know, I have had my best friend for 24 of my 35 years. She is awesome. I love her like a sister. She is in a very committed happy relationship and has been for many many years. She actually moved to Atlanta from Louisiana to be closer to me and met him soon after arriving here. Lucky bitch!
So for all of my dating life, she has been with me starting with the night I lost my virginity. She picked me up from my "date" behind the swamp in the backwoods of little town named Houma and we had our first official sex talk. Well we've been having them ever since. We don't just talk about men and sex, hell we talk about everything. Men, our other friends, work, our families, other peoples families, celebrities, food. You name it. We gossip about it all like too old women. She is my other half in a very heterosexual way.
After reading this blog, and being very supportive of it from the get go she decided she was going to make it her new life's mission to set me up with mr. right. Now, how she intended on doing this is she set up a bogus account on Plentyoffish.com as BFF 35. It has no picture. It is just a way for her to search for men. This way, she could find men and pick out the ones she likes. I inturn am suppose to contact them once I get off of my ass and join. Now 99% of this is that my best friend wants me to find the right man and be happy. 1% is because she is nosey and the queen of internet stalking. Well I've gone through the people she found and I have to say the woman has taste. So I guess I will be joining plenty of fish.com. Maybe since I obviously am so bad at finding my other half, she will be successful at it. Then I will never hear the end of it!
The funniest thing about it is that just like Match.com we know for a fact these men lie lie lie. My best friend found my ex's best friend on plenty of fish. In it he is all pouting for the camera. He was honest about his weight, height, occupation, etc. In it he said his pet peeves are liars. Well girls and boys it shows his age as 34. The boy is 40! Hilarious. He hates liars and makes it a theme in his profile and yet he lied himself. How ironic!
So I guess I will be setting up another internet dating profile. Uggghhh! At least it will give my best friend and I something else to gossip about...love you Addie!
So for all of my dating life, she has been with me starting with the night I lost my virginity. She picked me up from my "date" behind the swamp in the backwoods of little town named Houma and we had our first official sex talk. Well we've been having them ever since. We don't just talk about men and sex, hell we talk about everything. Men, our other friends, work, our families, other peoples families, celebrities, food. You name it. We gossip about it all like too old women. She is my other half in a very heterosexual way.
After reading this blog, and being very supportive of it from the get go she decided she was going to make it her new life's mission to set me up with mr. right. Now, how she intended on doing this is she set up a bogus account on Plentyoffish.com as BFF 35. It has no picture. It is just a way for her to search for men. This way, she could find men and pick out the ones she likes. I inturn am suppose to contact them once I get off of my ass and join. Now 99% of this is that my best friend wants me to find the right man and be happy. 1% is because she is nosey and the queen of internet stalking. Well I've gone through the people she found and I have to say the woman has taste. So I guess I will be joining plenty of fish.com. Maybe since I obviously am so bad at finding my other half, she will be successful at it. Then I will never hear the end of it!
The funniest thing about it is that just like Match.com we know for a fact these men lie lie lie. My best friend found my ex's best friend on plenty of fish. In it he is all pouting for the camera. He was honest about his weight, height, occupation, etc. In it he said his pet peeves are liars. Well girls and boys it shows his age as 34. The boy is 40! Hilarious. He hates liars and makes it a theme in his profile and yet he lied himself. How ironic!
So I guess I will be setting up another internet dating profile. Uggghhh! At least it will give my best friend and I something else to gossip about...love you Addie!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Day 34 Saturday March 27 2010 Music heals the soul
So I have to say, I am feeling much better. Not just physically, but mentally. I went to the Earl to the CD release party of the Future Bold. If you haven't heard of James Hall you need to check him out. www.JamesHall.com. He is my all time favorite! I've been seeing him in clubs in Atlanta for years. Everytime I go see him play, no matter where I am at in my life or what is going on that day I always leave his show feeling reborn. I don't know how to describe it. He is an excellent performer and his voice just sends chills up my spine. You know after watching him that he is the real thing...he is original and humble. A hell of a lot better than most of the mainstream acts you read about or hear on the radio. It was so good to go out and be free for once. I saw a lot of my old school friends, friends that I had before my apocolypse of a relationship. They had been reading my updates on facebook and were all so concerned with my health. The amount of love I felt in the room was overwhelming! I danced and sang at the top of my lungs. I left feeling released. Check out James Hall and the Future Bold Atlanta GA. You will love them!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Day 33-Friday March 26 2010
What a beautiful spring day. I had a friend take me down to the hospital to get my paperwork that my job needs. It seems like Human Resources fax machine and my doctors fax machine cannot communicate. I got my doctors release and FMLA paperwork to give to the powers that be on monday. Now that monday is so close, the nerves are setting in. I haven't worked in 2 weeks and a lot could have happened in 2 weeks. I just hope I still have a job. You never know when life can throw you a curve ball.I will be grateful to get back to work, to structure, to the gym. I just hope work is as happy about me coming back as I am about going back.
Day 32 Thursday March 25 2010-:(
The world can be so cruel to people.I was sitting in starbucks buying some green tea and this woman who had to be younger than me came up to me. You should have seen her face, beautiful but tired. She was obviously pregnant. She asked, barely able to look me in the eye if I had any cash. She is pregnant, has children at home and has lost her job. She doesn't have any money to feed her children. I felt like crying. I instantly gave her the cash I had. You could see the desperation and hopelessness in her eyes. I just wanted to sit her down and tell her everything would work out. Not to loose hope. Some how things would work out. It's sad when a mother cannot feed her children. It really puts things in perspective. I need to get more involved in helping others. Our society now is all about helping ourselves. Looking out for number one. That was a reality check. I have all these personal goals and they are all about bettering me. What about bettering the lives of other people who are less fortunate? With the state of the country with the economy, housing crisis, and unemployment rates sky high we should all pitch in and help our fellow human beings. I'm going to find ways to volunteer my time and talents to helping others.
Day 31 Breathe Me Wednesday March 24 2010
So, about yesterday. There is so much to say that I didn't have time give it justice. I started this blog for very specific reasons. I use to blog on myspace and though it did serve it's purpose at the time, it's not in my best interests for me to expose myself on my myspace page. Hell, who really uses myspace anymore anyway. People are either on facebook or twittering their little hearts out. I also wanted to embark on this new beginning in my life and in order to do this, I wanted to take it to the next level. I hope that it ends up being as entertaining for my readers as it was on myspace over the years.
I mainly started this blog after a man that held my heart in his hands for the last 11 years left. I met him when I was 24. It was always a very intense all consuming relationship but with fire you are bound to get burned. At first, it was an affair...shame on me. Then it was a relationship with the shared car, shared money, home and his and her insurance. Then, there was infedelity followed by years of devastating breakups, makeups and everything inbetween. I was so involved with him, I lost me some how along the way. Then finally after almost 11 years of back and forth, and us having relationships with other people we came to a cross roads. I should clarify, I came to a crossroads. He had already crossed the road and went to the other side. For years I was stuck because even though we were no longer "together" he never allowed me to fully move on. Stuck in limbo. Unable to go back, unable to move forward. Unable to breathe. I got the news he intended on moving. I lost my mind. Really I did. What was I going to do without this man who I depended on when he wasn't really dependable. Who was I going to be without him? How now at the age of 35 was I going to have my happy ending. He was moving to an exotic new city with a brand new girlfriend. I was still in the apartment with the scuff marks over my bed from our relationship. We said our goodbyes, he left and I was devastated. But with devastation, comes rebirth and rebuilding. And that's what made me start this blog. It was to document my goals, document my life and share it with people who might find themselves having a early mid life crisis. I always thought he would be better off...hell everything came easy to him. He had everything he wanted. I was the one that was going to have to scream, cry, crawl and struggle to regain myself.
But, a funny thing happened boys and girls. I woke up to the phone call I didn't see coming. He called. I was shocked and courious what was up. Instead of jumping up and down, hanging on his every word my first response was "what do you want". I wasn't trying to be mean, hateful or vindictive. I have loved this man for 11 years and even though I am not happy with how things went down, I will always wish him the best, love him in a way, and wish him happiness. I figured he was calling to let me know how wonderful his life was. It was the opposite though. He wasn't happy, I could hear it in the sound of his voice. He complained about the new place, the fact of everyone speaking spanish, the lack of work for him, his new girlfriends kid. The fact he couldn't sleep at night. He sounded sick, exhausted and just unhappy. Here I was thinking when he left, I would be the one to suffer. He asked me how I was, if I was okay. And the weirdest most satisfying thing happened. The answer shocked me. I am okay! I'm better than okay. I'm great. And it wasn' t a lie. I might have been sick for the last 2 weeks and let's face it people, the blog was a real debbie downer. As a whole though, I am stronger, happier and healthier than I have been in the last 11 years. I've grown so much as a person and have found myself. The fact he misses me is just icing on the cake! I got off the phone, and cried for a minute. And then, it stopped. Not after days or hours or minutes. A minute. What sweet progress!
I mainly started this blog after a man that held my heart in his hands for the last 11 years left. I met him when I was 24. It was always a very intense all consuming relationship but with fire you are bound to get burned. At first, it was an affair...shame on me. Then it was a relationship with the shared car, shared money, home and his and her insurance. Then, there was infedelity followed by years of devastating breakups, makeups and everything inbetween. I was so involved with him, I lost me some how along the way. Then finally after almost 11 years of back and forth, and us having relationships with other people we came to a cross roads. I should clarify, I came to a crossroads. He had already crossed the road and went to the other side. For years I was stuck because even though we were no longer "together" he never allowed me to fully move on. Stuck in limbo. Unable to go back, unable to move forward. Unable to breathe. I got the news he intended on moving. I lost my mind. Really I did. What was I going to do without this man who I depended on when he wasn't really dependable. Who was I going to be without him? How now at the age of 35 was I going to have my happy ending. He was moving to an exotic new city with a brand new girlfriend. I was still in the apartment with the scuff marks over my bed from our relationship. We said our goodbyes, he left and I was devastated. But with devastation, comes rebirth and rebuilding. And that's what made me start this blog. It was to document my goals, document my life and share it with people who might find themselves having a early mid life crisis. I always thought he would be better off...hell everything came easy to him. He had everything he wanted. I was the one that was going to have to scream, cry, crawl and struggle to regain myself.
But, a funny thing happened boys and girls. I woke up to the phone call I didn't see coming. He called. I was shocked and courious what was up. Instead of jumping up and down, hanging on his every word my first response was "what do you want". I wasn't trying to be mean, hateful or vindictive. I have loved this man for 11 years and even though I am not happy with how things went down, I will always wish him the best, love him in a way, and wish him happiness. I figured he was calling to let me know how wonderful his life was. It was the opposite though. He wasn't happy, I could hear it in the sound of his voice. He complained about the new place, the fact of everyone speaking spanish, the lack of work for him, his new girlfriends kid. The fact he couldn't sleep at night. He sounded sick, exhausted and just unhappy. Here I was thinking when he left, I would be the one to suffer. He asked me how I was, if I was okay. And the weirdest most satisfying thing happened. The answer shocked me. I am okay! I'm better than okay. I'm great. And it wasn' t a lie. I might have been sick for the last 2 weeks and let's face it people, the blog was a real debbie downer. As a whole though, I am stronger, happier and healthier than I have been in the last 11 years. I've grown so much as a person and have found myself. The fact he misses me is just icing on the cake! I got off the phone, and cried for a minute. And then, it stopped. Not after days or hours or minutes. A minute. What sweet progress!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Day 30 March 24..I'm really okay...
Wow. I'm about to get kicked out of Starbucks but I just wanted to say on day 30-I'm okay! Today was amazing. I would blog about it now, but starbucks is closing and I don't feel I have the time to do this blog justice. So tomorrow get ready! It has been officially 30 days that I started blogging due to an unbelievably brutal heartache. Now, 30 days later I am still standing. Who's crying now? You'll have to read tomorrow to see!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Day 29...Limbo
Today, is a good day! The medicine seems to be working. I don't feel 100%. I don't yet feel 50%. I'm still concerned with work and the FMLA issue. I'm still concerned about my vacation days. I finally realized there are some things in life, no matter how hard we try that we cannot control. Instead of focusing on the things we cannot control, I need to focus on the things I can. I always get so worked up over things that I simply cannot do anything about. Like this health situation for instance. All I can do is take the best care of myself and do what the doctor's say. Hope for the best without dreading the worst. It's all a matter of positive thinking. I cannot change I'm missing work. What I can change is my attitude and commit to stop stressing about it. I'm going to focus on the things I can change. No more stress, no more negativity. What happens happens. I need to just roll with the punches. I need to focus on the big picture which is changing my life. Sometimes things have to get a lot worse before it gets a lot better.
Today is a beautiful day! The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. I'm finally caught up on posting all my blogs from my journal! That in itself is an amazing accomplishment considering my landlords lack of fixing the things that are wrong with my apartment. My internet is about as reliable as my last boyfriend! How are you suppose to maintain a blog without internet. I've lived at my apartment for 3 years next month. I think it is time for a change. I love my apartment, it's spacious,it's on the 2nd floor with a beautiful screened in porch off the living area complete with a ceiling fan. I love the Garden Hills Neighborhood. It is my favorite neighborhood in Atlanta. I'm just a hop skip and a jump away from Barnes and Noble which is my favorite place, starbucks, sushi, grocery stores, my eyedoctor, the pharmacy,smoothie king. What more does a girl need. I live by beautiful old homes surrounded by the laughter of kids. I just would not want to live anywhere else. Unfortunately though, my building is old. 1930's old. Not only do I not have a dishwasher, I have horrible ventilation system. I never had these respiratory problems, bronchitis, asthma, etc prior to living in this apartment. The landlord never changes the vents and never returns calls about it. It's been going on for 3 years. My doctor thinks its the apartment due to dust, the heating and air conditioning system or possibly mold that is making me sick. I'm getting no anwers from the landlord. I hate to rock the boat because I love the area of town I live in, the convenience, my neighbors and the fact that they haven't raised the rent or had me sign a lease in years. But my health is on the line. So I'm going to look for an apartment! See what's out there. Maybe I need to move to feel better..maybe a change will do me good!
Today is a beautiful day! The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. I'm finally caught up on posting all my blogs from my journal! That in itself is an amazing accomplishment considering my landlords lack of fixing the things that are wrong with my apartment. My internet is about as reliable as my last boyfriend! How are you suppose to maintain a blog without internet. I've lived at my apartment for 3 years next month. I think it is time for a change. I love my apartment, it's spacious,it's on the 2nd floor with a beautiful screened in porch off the living area complete with a ceiling fan. I love the Garden Hills Neighborhood. It is my favorite neighborhood in Atlanta. I'm just a hop skip and a jump away from Barnes and Noble which is my favorite place, starbucks, sushi, grocery stores, my eyedoctor, the pharmacy,smoothie king. What more does a girl need. I live by beautiful old homes surrounded by the laughter of kids. I just would not want to live anywhere else. Unfortunately though, my building is old. 1930's old. Not only do I not have a dishwasher, I have horrible ventilation system. I never had these respiratory problems, bronchitis, asthma, etc prior to living in this apartment. The landlord never changes the vents and never returns calls about it. It's been going on for 3 years. My doctor thinks its the apartment due to dust, the heating and air conditioning system or possibly mold that is making me sick. I'm getting no anwers from the landlord. I hate to rock the boat because I love the area of town I live in, the convenience, my neighbors and the fact that they haven't raised the rent or had me sign a lease in years. But my health is on the line. So I'm going to look for an apartment! See what's out there. Maybe I need to move to feel better..maybe a change will do me good!
Day 28 Monday March 22 Snow flurries?
What the hell? This weekend was a warm spring weekend. Flowers and trees blooming. People outdoors tanning and playing sports. This morning a cold front brought in by yesterday's previous thundershowers caused us to have snow flurries in the morning. Atlanta and it's weird weather. I wished I could have been a wake to see it. I love the snow! I should live up north!
So, I woke up at 5 am...sick! Called in sick again and made the decision to take myself to the hospital. I lucked out. I got there quick, they saw me right away. I got on the scale and lost 5 lbs since last Thursday. That was exciting. I would rather not be sick but to know that I am the thinnest I have been in 5 years gave me something to smile about. I saw my poor doctor who scratched his head while the 4 medical students looked on. What were they going to give me? Why was I worse and not better? They couldn't give me any steroids, I was already using inhalers, antiobiotics. I needed a decongestant and I'm allergic to them. Sudafed turns me into a nightmare. So what to do! Well I was a modern medical dilemma. In the end, I got put on 2 nose sprays, more antibiotics, an asthma medication, and allergy pill all to be taken at different times. I don't know how I will keep it all straight. I have all the 8+ meds on different shelves in my kitchen arranged my morning, afternoon and night. Between my crohn's medications, and this god I feel like a walking pharmacy. I faxed the notes to my manager who said I was okay and to just get better. She reassured me I didn't need to do anything else, she had everything covered and just to focus on getting better. I felt really reassured...until the call came from human resources. She had been alerted by my oh so concerned manager that I had been out for more than 5 days. They need to get FMLA paperwork from my doctor. I also needed to run and find a fax machine to fax the same doctor's notes to human resources that I have been sure to fax to my manager each time I went to the doctor. Now not only do I need to figure out how to take all these meds and get better, I also have to worry about the office and whether or not I go in or not. The short term disability just makes it more difficult to decide what my next move will be. I want to get better, I want to go back to work at 100%. I want to get paid. I want to be healthy and do a good job. But how soon is too soon! If the short term disability gets denied I'm out more PTO days. If it gets approved and I go back to soon I loose it. If I go back too soon I relapse. What to do?
I hope I feel better either way. So far...I think I do. We shall see. I did get home to see Betty White on Ellen getting a strip tease. That made up for this whole past week. I love Betty White!
Day 27 Sunday March 20, 2010 Ugghhh
Today my allergies symptoms hit me like a brick which just enhanced my bronchitis. It was a rainy day, which I usually love the most when I am not feeling well. I hoped the rain would help wash away whatever was making me sneeze every other minute, eyes water, nose run like a broken faucet, and cough continue with a vengeance! I stayed in my PJ's and watched Have you heard about the Morgans which was cute. I always love Sarah Jessica Parker. She always brings such class, spunk and charm to every role she plays in. I just love her and respect her. I also watched Up and away with Georg Clooney. I usually don't enjoy his movies. I do every year make it a point to watch as many as the Oscar nominated films as possible. Plus I loved the whole premise of the movie. With the economic times that this world is facing, the movie could not be more on point. I enjoyed both the films. It just made me worry about my job though. It's hard not to watch the movie, see George Clooney fire people throughout the whole thing and not think about your own career. I do recommend everyone watch it. It has a great message.
Tomorrow I will be going back to the hospital. I do not feel better. Infact, I feel 100% worse. I'm taking all my prescription drugs and now over the counter allergy medication. I can't sleep. I can't take care of myself. I have no energy and no relief from symptoms. I don't want to end up like all those hollywood people who take all these prescription drugs and over the counter remedies and od. So like it or not, the most responsible thing for me to do at this time is bite the bullet and go back to the hospital before I end up having to get admitted to it. Hopefully tomorrow I will get some much needed relief. I'll be able to go back to my life....
Day 26 Saturday March 20 2010 first day of spring...
I love the idea of spring. It's what it brings that makes me dislike it so. I love fall. The cooler temperatures, the ability to keep my screen door open, the smells, the relief from the Atlanta humidity. Spring has the ability to have the same qualities that I love about fall except everything is blooming! With blooming comes allergies, sinus infections and bronchitis. So while I like the warmer weather, the ability to take Rex on walks in the dog park, wearing less clothing, seeing the beautiful flowers bloom on the trees I can't ever bring myself to fully enjoy it. Case in point...the sneeze fest that has occurred today. If I sneezed once, I sneezed a thousand times. I figured it might be due to pollen so I cleaned my porch even the fan outside, dusted the whole house, vacummed, mopped, washed the bedding, the dog. You name it, it was done. They don't call it spring cleaning for nothing. As the day ended and the night was upon me, I was happy at how clean my house was but I was still sick as a dog! So much for zertex.
The good news though, is I realized that today has been a whole month since my heartbreak. Sure I'm going through some health issues I have yet to overcome. I am so much further ahead than I thought I would be last month! I haven't gone a whole month without smoking a cigerrette since I was a teenager! That is a huge accomplishment. I have lost 10 pounds the healthy way in a month. I have started and kept this journal even with internet issues. I have gone on my first blind date. I have not spoken to the person who caused me so much pain in a month. I will survive!!! In a month I have accomplished so much. So what if for the last week, I have been down. It does not take away the courage, class and focus I have had in reinventing myself. If I have accomplished just this small list of things in a month, I wonder where I will be by next month! I have so much hope in my heart!
Day 25 Friday March 19, 2010 Jittery!!!
I woke up at 5am with a headache from hell. I have never had 2 steriod shots in one day and right now I am so jittery. I feel all junky inside. The coughing is decreasing but in its absence is a feeling that I cannot describe. I don't have the strength to get out of bed. 5 days out sick=5 days PTO. Crap!!! At least I have the weekend to heal or it's back to the hospital on Monday. Please sweet baby jesus! Let me get better.
Day 24 Thursday March 18. 2010 2 shots in the ass and words to live by:
4 days out sick=4 days of PTO not used on vacation!!
The first thing I think of when I wake up and call out is count the vacation days I'm using due to this situation. I haven't been able to go on a vacation or visit my family in years due to medical complications. It's so frustrating. I really let it get to me last night. Today, I got up ready to fight. I went to the hospital and got not one but two steroid shots. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow and will be back at work tomorrow. In the meantime I have been reviewing my blog and this illness has seemed to get me off of course. Just because the same situations health wise are happening to me does not determine that this year I will not be able to accomplish my goals. This blog is not about me feeling sorry for myself or inviting the world to an internet pitty party. This blog is about reinventing myself. Sure I have had a setback this week, but all things good or bad do not last forever. This will pass. So, here are my new rules I need to live by;
Always make myself and my health my number one priority
I can do this by just following these rules:
Get 8 hours of sleep a day
No smoking and avoid smoky places no matter what
No alcoholic beverages
Excercise daily
Eat healthy
Keep doctor's appointments and follow their advice
Take medication as needed on time.
Meditate
Take time to breathe
Reduce stress
Go to work
A long list, and a simple list. Sometimes though, I must remind myself of the simplest things. Don't we all though!
Day 23Wednesday March 17, 2010 Happy St Patricks Day & Happy Birthday Rexie!!!
Today marks a lot of things for me. It was a year today, I was at home recovering from my first Crohn's surgery unable to partake in St. Patricks Day festivities. Green beer and percocets don't go well. Today also marks a year that I stopped being a vegetarian. I was a full time vegetarian for only a year. I just love cheeseburgers and steak too much! Here I am a year later, and once again I am home sick for how long I do not know. Today also is Rex's my chubby and adorable beagle's 7th birthday! Too bad two years in a row I have been under the weather. So many emotions are overwhelming me now. I feel bad that I'm missing work. I'm nervous that my new assignment is going to think I am not dependable. I am emotionally drained from knowing that I have been following the doctor's orders and taking medication...It has yet to make a dent in how I feel. I know I will have to spend the $25.00 co payment and miss yet another day of work to get a steroid shot. Right now I don't know how I will find the strength to get out of bed feeling as lousy as I am, get on the bus and drag my sick ass to the hospital. The whole situation just upsets me because I really wanted this year to be the start of feeling better, doing more things, less time in the hospital and more time at work. Hell, I just want to live a sick free normal life. I keep questioning why I was handed this lot in life. St Patricks Day is the perfect time for me to reflect upon it.
I am irish by birth. My biological dad was irish, hence why I was named Erin. I came from a very proud irish family on my biological father's side. He was never around. He was abusive to my mother and lucky for both my mom and I, she left where I was born in NJ and moved to Virginia where she would meet the man I call my dad. Any man can give sperm, only a true man can be a father. I can honestly say I have the best dad in the world and I would not change that for anything! My biological dad has haunted me for years and especially around St. Patricks Day. It's hard to not think of him since I was named for his nationality. He's been dead due to alcoholism and complications of gout, heart disease, diabetes and crohn's disease. He never gave me anything but childhood nightmares, emotional abuse and a chronic illness. The fact that he died at 49 makes me sad and yet apprehensive on how long I will be around. I know I am combating the disease as much as possible. I stay up to date on treatments, eat well, exercise, don't smoke, don't drink, get plenty of sleep. I keep my doctors appointments and take medicine plus vitamins and minerals. All this and yet here I sit, sick and unable to fight off this bronchitis. All because of some bad genes from my biological dad! The years of torment and abuse are long past me. I no longer question why he was so cruel and emotionally unavailable in my life. I no longer question why he didn't step up and be the father I deserve or why he never loved me. I no longer feel that I did something wrong or I wasn't good enough for him or his messed up family. I am grateful for the dad I have. The dad that is always there to support me, love me, comfort me and raise me to be the fighter I am today.
But it is St Patricks day...old habits die hard. I will now only allow myself to think of my deceased sperm doner today! I hope I get better. I want to live a better life than he did.
Day 22 March 16 Frustration
Tuesday March 16, 2010 Frustrated
Sick again. I woke up feverish and coughing my head off. I had to call in again which did nothing but stress me out. I already missed work Friday, and Monday. I have this brand new assignment with a new sales team. What kind of impression are they going to get from this! I’m not even well enough or strong enough to drag my sick ass to the hospital to get checked out. I did manage to call my doctor who called in antiobiotics and said since I have been running a temperature I shouldn’t go back to work until Thursday. That is 3 days PTO! Crap! I feel like I have smoked a carton of cigerrettes. I should have just listened to myself, to my body and not gone out Friday night. Now I am paying the price. Never again. All it has done is caused me to be sick, disappointed and stressed.
Sick again. I woke up feverish and coughing my head off. I had to call in again which did nothing but stress me out. I already missed work Friday, and Monday. I have this brand new assignment with a new sales team. What kind of impression are they going to get from this! I’m not even well enough or strong enough to drag my sick ass to the hospital to get checked out. I did manage to call my doctor who called in antiobiotics and said since I have been running a temperature I shouldn’t go back to work until Thursday. That is 3 days PTO! Crap! I feel like I have smoked a carton of cigerrettes. I should have just listened to myself, to my body and not gone out Friday night. Now I am paying the price. Never again. All it has done is caused me to be sick, disappointed and stressed.
Day 21..Should have listened to my body
Monday March 15, 2010 Sick as a dog and disgusted
The thing that is the most important to remember when having a chronic auto immune disease is that your body does not work like everyone else’s. You are tired a lot, take a lot of medicines, have to really eat well, sleep enough and avoid things that can make your immune system wear down. I forget to listen to my body when it becomes overwhelmed. Unfortunately, this causes me to get sick and my body just shuts down completely. If I am lucky it is only a day with some rest and maybe some antibiotics and I’m back on my feet. I have a feeling this is not the case. I woke up coughing due to the smoke from Friday. I know that was what did it. People with chronic acute bronchitis do not need to be in smoky places with no ventilation. Just another great mistake to add to the others of Friday night! I woke up with definite bronchitis accompanied by a fever a day off of work. I hate missing work with a new assignment under my belt. I know my boss is going to be pissed and I’m using PTO I need to save for the whole year. This is only March. I have to go see my grandmother. Please let me feel better tomorrow! I cannot miss another day!
The thing that is the most important to remember when having a chronic auto immune disease is that your body does not work like everyone else’s. You are tired a lot, take a lot of medicines, have to really eat well, sleep enough and avoid things that can make your immune system wear down. I forget to listen to my body when it becomes overwhelmed. Unfortunately, this causes me to get sick and my body just shuts down completely. If I am lucky it is only a day with some rest and maybe some antibiotics and I’m back on my feet. I have a feeling this is not the case. I woke up coughing due to the smoke from Friday. I know that was what did it. People with chronic acute bronchitis do not need to be in smoky places with no ventilation. Just another great mistake to add to the others of Friday night! I woke up with definite bronchitis accompanied by a fever a day off of work. I hate missing work with a new assignment under my belt. I know my boss is going to be pissed and I’m using PTO I need to save for the whole year. This is only March. I have to go see my grandmother. Please let me feel better tomorrow! I cannot miss another day!
Day 20 Relaxation...
Sunday March 20, 2010 Ugghhh
Today my allergies symptoms hit me like a brick which just enhanced my bronchitis. It was a rainy day, which I usually love the most when I am not feeling well. I hoped the rain would help wash away whatever was making me sneeze every other minute, eyes water, nose run like a broken faucet, and cough continue with a vengeance! I stayed in my PJ’s and watched Have You Seen The Morgans? which was cute. I always love Sarah Jessica Parker. She always brings such class, spunk and charm to every role she plays in. I just love her and respect her. I also watched Up in the Air with Georg Clooney. I usually don’t enjoy his movies. I do every year make it a point to watch as many as the Oscar nominated films as possible. Plus I loved the whole premise of the movie. With the economic times that this world is facing, the movie could not be more on point. I enjoyed both the films. It just made me worry about my job though. It’s hard not to watch the movie, see George Clooney fire people throughout the whole thing and not think about your own career. I do recommend everyone watch it. It has a great message.
Tomorrow I will be going back to the hospital. I do not feel better. Infact, I feel 100% worse. I’m taking all my prescription drugs and now over the counter allergy medication. I can’t sleep. I can’t take care of myself. I have no energy and no relief from symptoms. I don’t want to end up like all those Hollywood people who take all these prescription drugs and over the counter remedies and OD. So like it or not, the most responsible thing for me to do at this time is bite the bullet and go back to the hospital before I end up having to get admitted to it. Hopefully tomorrow I will get some much needed relief. I’ll be able to go back to my life....
Today my allergies symptoms hit me like a brick which just enhanced my bronchitis. It was a rainy day, which I usually love the most when I am not feeling well. I hoped the rain would help wash away whatever was making me sneeze every other minute, eyes water, nose run like a broken faucet, and cough continue with a vengeance! I stayed in my PJ’s and watched Have You Seen The Morgans? which was cute. I always love Sarah Jessica Parker. She always brings such class, spunk and charm to every role she plays in. I just love her and respect her. I also watched Up in the Air with Georg Clooney. I usually don’t enjoy his movies. I do every year make it a point to watch as many as the Oscar nominated films as possible. Plus I loved the whole premise of the movie. With the economic times that this world is facing, the movie could not be more on point. I enjoyed both the films. It just made me worry about my job though. It’s hard not to watch the movie, see George Clooney fire people throughout the whole thing and not think about your own career. I do recommend everyone watch it. It has a great message.
Tomorrow I will be going back to the hospital. I do not feel better. Infact, I feel 100% worse. I’m taking all my prescription drugs and now over the counter allergy medication. I can’t sleep. I can’t take care of myself. I have no energy and no relief from symptoms. I don’t want to end up like all those Hollywood people who take all these prescription drugs and over the counter remedies and OD. So like it or not, the most responsible thing for me to do at this time is bite the bullet and go back to the hospital before I end up having to get admitted to it. Hopefully tomorrow I will get some much needed relief. I’ll be able to go back to my life....
Day 19 Those Damn Girlscouts Get You Everytime
Saturday March 13 2010
I woke up exhausted. I had started the new hormone treatment my doctor had prescribed me last night when I got home. I woke up moody, tired and dizzy. Part of it was the hormones, part of it was lack of sleep. I got up and finished my vacuuming and dusting. I was not even showered or dressed when my mom got here. I told her of my failings of the night before but she kept encouraging me. I hurried up and got ready still beating myself up for the 2 drinks the night before.
My mom and I have in the last few years have grown to have one of the best relationships a mother and daughter could be lucky enough to have. We have worked very hard for it and I am grateful that she can visit so often. She is only 3 ½ hours away in the Knoxville Tennessee. She always comes once a month with my two old dogs Max 12 years and Hannah 11. ( I think) I only wish my dad who is on the road driving a truck could have come this time.
We had a great visit even though I felt tired and yucky. We found her hairdresser and I got to see a side of town that I had not been to in a long time. I need to get a car so I can explore the city more and not be just confined to my little neighbourhood of buckhead. It was a beautiful pre spring day and I got to take some pretty photos of the trees blooming as we drove back. We did some shopping. I got some new exercise pants a size smaller than normal which shows that diet and exercise does pay off. We went to Michaels and looked for hobbies I could take up. We went down every row. If you have never in your life experienced Michaels...it is a little intimidating. We went down the rows of crafts from painting, to scrapbooking, to needle point, jewlry making, candle making, fake flowers. We had the most fun trying on animal hats and sending pictures of us looking ridiculous to my father who inturn said we needed to find a hobby. Well hell, that is what we were doing there in the first place!
Before we knew it, it was 7. We grabbed some Cajun food from the take out place just loafing down the street. Two shrimp po boys dressed with to sides of jambalaya and some boudain. We went home to watch some Couple Retreat and eat 2 boxes of girl scouts cookies. Yes I fell of my diet wagon with a huge thud. But I enjoyed it with my mom watching couples retreat. I could not have asked for a better day, just less calories.
I woke up exhausted. I had started the new hormone treatment my doctor had prescribed me last night when I got home. I woke up moody, tired and dizzy. Part of it was the hormones, part of it was lack of sleep. I got up and finished my vacuuming and dusting. I was not even showered or dressed when my mom got here. I told her of my failings of the night before but she kept encouraging me. I hurried up and got ready still beating myself up for the 2 drinks the night before.
My mom and I have in the last few years have grown to have one of the best relationships a mother and daughter could be lucky enough to have. We have worked very hard for it and I am grateful that she can visit so often. She is only 3 ½ hours away in the Knoxville Tennessee. She always comes once a month with my two old dogs Max 12 years and Hannah 11. ( I think) I only wish my dad who is on the road driving a truck could have come this time.
We had a great visit even though I felt tired and yucky. We found her hairdresser and I got to see a side of town that I had not been to in a long time. I need to get a car so I can explore the city more and not be just confined to my little neighbourhood of buckhead. It was a beautiful pre spring day and I got to take some pretty photos of the trees blooming as we drove back. We did some shopping. I got some new exercise pants a size smaller than normal which shows that diet and exercise does pay off. We went to Michaels and looked for hobbies I could take up. We went down every row. If you have never in your life experienced Michaels...it is a little intimidating. We went down the rows of crafts from painting, to scrapbooking, to needle point, jewlry making, candle making, fake flowers. We had the most fun trying on animal hats and sending pictures of us looking ridiculous to my father who inturn said we needed to find a hobby. Well hell, that is what we were doing there in the first place!
Before we knew it, it was 7. We grabbed some Cajun food from the take out place just loafing down the street. Two shrimp po boys dressed with to sides of jambalaya and some boudain. We went home to watch some Couple Retreat and eat 2 boxes of girl scouts cookies. Yes I fell of my diet wagon with a huge thud. But I enjoyed it with my mom watching couples retreat. I could not have asked for a better day, just less calories.
Day 18 Never Compromise Yourself
Journal Entry: Friday March 12-Never Compromise Yourself
What a day! A beautiful beginning but a tragic ending! Everyday as I embark on this journey to find myself, reinvent myself and find out what I really want out of life there will be learning experiences. I look forward to each of them knowing it is these experiences that will bring me closer to my ultimate goal of getting exactly what I want out of life. Today was defiantly a learning experience.
Friday! It’s like music to my ears every week. A welcome friend to relieve me after a stressful work week. I looked forward to my monthly visit from my mom over the weekend. I haven’t seen her since the Super bowl. I went to work ready to tie up some loose ends, send reports, make some calls and kick some ass. Only to be followed by conquering the elliptical for 30 minutes something that has not been possible yet. I had an 11:30 luncheon at work. It was for all the volunteers that stayed behind and worked while everyone else went to the 70’ themed customer operations award event. Once I got to the luncheon, the vice president of customer operations informed us all over our gourmet boxed lunch that we could grab our food and go home paid without using PTO for the rest of the day! I figured since our department had already given us the 4 hours PTO that I had used earlier in the week I would not be allowed to go home. To my surprise when returning to the floor I was told to pack up and enjoy the rest of my Friday! It was like music to my ears and my prayers had been answered. I immediately grabbed my belongings including my packed work out bag and headed for the gym to conquer those 30 minutes on the elliptical! I went to the bank by taxi even though it was raining. Got the money I needed to give my mom to put towards my potential car. I didn’t even let the ugly thunderstorm stop me from running errands. I took a $20.00 cab ride to Buckhead. I went to target and took my time getting cleaning supplies. I even managed to snatch up some nice sets of earrings for a discounted price. I took the bus home to clean the house and watch the golden girls. I still had to do dishes, laundry, dusting and vacuuming. God what a lot of dishes! The next apartment/condo or house (fingers crossed) I get I will make sure it has a dish washer. I am not made to wash dishes. I always miss something and my back just can’t take it. I had finally hit my stride when I received the call I knew that was going to take me down a road I didn’t need to go. My other bf called. She still wanted to go to Eastside Lounge in East Atlanta. Her car was not working so we would have to take a cab after she had dinner with her parents. She wanted to go out at 9:30. I explained to her that my mother was arriving early tomorrow morning for a short visit. I still had a lot of cleaning to do. I still hadn’t even managed to eat dinner. I didn’t want to go out late and stay out when my mom would be here in the morning. I wanted to be well rested with all my cleaning and errands accomplished. I didn’t want to spend the money on cabs, etc. She has been having issues with her on again off again boyfriend and has been hammering at me to go out for weeks. I still did not feel secure in my new founded sobriety to be out in a dance bar or any bar for that matter. She knew that I was trying to stay sober and I had voiced my concerns over and over again in the past weeks. All my words of concern fell on deaf ears. So I didn’t feel like another argument or worse her telling me how once again she was disappointed. So against my better judgement I went. She wanted to be out by 9:30 and I would pay for one cab ride to ESL and she would pay for the one home. We had agreed to be home no later than 2. Well I stopped cleaning, scarfed food down and got ready. At 9:30 I called her, but her parents where still there eating. She advised me that she would call me once they left. By 10 pm she called and advised me that they had left but she wasn’t ready to go. I became infuriated for several reasons. First, she didn’t respect that I had things to do and cleaning to finish. Second that it was later and I needed to be up early so I could spend some much needed time with my family. Third she didn’t care about even asking me in 2 days how my date went. Fourth...she didn’t care about what I wanted at all...most of all my sobriety. By the time I picked her up in the cab at 11 I was infuriated. I could barely say anything. I was mad. Mad that I was out, my back hurt and I was tired. I knew in the back of my mind nothing good could come of this night. Sure enough, I went and had 2 drinks to dull the pain of my back and get me in a better mood. There was no better mood to get me in by drinking though. I was not drunk, all it did was piss me off more that I had not stuck to my beliefs and made myself my first priority. She didn’t care that I was breaking a promise I had made to myself to not drink. She only cared about herself. She finally did ask me about my date. Maybe she thought my bad mood was from that experience. My bad mood was due to letting myself down by putting others wants and needs before my own. It was so smoky and I was in so much pain. I left her there getting into another cab. I only had enough cash to make it to the highlander. The night had cost me $60.00 that should have gone to my savings for a night that I did not enjoy. Luckily I got a ride from some good friends of mine. I didn’t have anymore drinks, I didn’t smoke but I let myself down. I was home reeking of smoke at 4am only to have to wake up and finish dusting and vacuuming for my mom’s jammed packed visit. From now on, I need to listen to my heart and myself. I need to make better choices. I do not blame her for falling off the wagon. It was my choice to go and it was my choice to drink. It is a learning experience, one I will not forget.
What a day! A beautiful beginning but a tragic ending! Everyday as I embark on this journey to find myself, reinvent myself and find out what I really want out of life there will be learning experiences. I look forward to each of them knowing it is these experiences that will bring me closer to my ultimate goal of getting exactly what I want out of life. Today was defiantly a learning experience.
Friday! It’s like music to my ears every week. A welcome friend to relieve me after a stressful work week. I looked forward to my monthly visit from my mom over the weekend. I haven’t seen her since the Super bowl. I went to work ready to tie up some loose ends, send reports, make some calls and kick some ass. Only to be followed by conquering the elliptical for 30 minutes something that has not been possible yet. I had an 11:30 luncheon at work. It was for all the volunteers that stayed behind and worked while everyone else went to the 70’ themed customer operations award event. Once I got to the luncheon, the vice president of customer operations informed us all over our gourmet boxed lunch that we could grab our food and go home paid without using PTO for the rest of the day! I figured since our department had already given us the 4 hours PTO that I had used earlier in the week I would not be allowed to go home. To my surprise when returning to the floor I was told to pack up and enjoy the rest of my Friday! It was like music to my ears and my prayers had been answered. I immediately grabbed my belongings including my packed work out bag and headed for the gym to conquer those 30 minutes on the elliptical! I went to the bank by taxi even though it was raining. Got the money I needed to give my mom to put towards my potential car. I didn’t even let the ugly thunderstorm stop me from running errands. I took a $20.00 cab ride to Buckhead. I went to target and took my time getting cleaning supplies. I even managed to snatch up some nice sets of earrings for a discounted price. I took the bus home to clean the house and watch the golden girls. I still had to do dishes, laundry, dusting and vacuuming. God what a lot of dishes! The next apartment/condo or house (fingers crossed) I get I will make sure it has a dish washer. I am not made to wash dishes. I always miss something and my back just can’t take it. I had finally hit my stride when I received the call I knew that was going to take me down a road I didn’t need to go. My other bf called. She still wanted to go to Eastside Lounge in East Atlanta. Her car was not working so we would have to take a cab after she had dinner with her parents. She wanted to go out at 9:30. I explained to her that my mother was arriving early tomorrow morning for a short visit. I still had a lot of cleaning to do. I still hadn’t even managed to eat dinner. I didn’t want to go out late and stay out when my mom would be here in the morning. I wanted to be well rested with all my cleaning and errands accomplished. I didn’t want to spend the money on cabs, etc. She has been having issues with her on again off again boyfriend and has been hammering at me to go out for weeks. I still did not feel secure in my new founded sobriety to be out in a dance bar or any bar for that matter. She knew that I was trying to stay sober and I had voiced my concerns over and over again in the past weeks. All my words of concern fell on deaf ears. So I didn’t feel like another argument or worse her telling me how once again she was disappointed. So against my better judgement I went. She wanted to be out by 9:30 and I would pay for one cab ride to ESL and she would pay for the one home. We had agreed to be home no later than 2. Well I stopped cleaning, scarfed food down and got ready. At 9:30 I called her, but her parents where still there eating. She advised me that she would call me once they left. By 10 pm she called and advised me that they had left but she wasn’t ready to go. I became infuriated for several reasons. First, she didn’t respect that I had things to do and cleaning to finish. Second that it was later and I needed to be up early so I could spend some much needed time with my family. Third she didn’t care about even asking me in 2 days how my date went. Fourth...she didn’t care about what I wanted at all...most of all my sobriety. By the time I picked her up in the cab at 11 I was infuriated. I could barely say anything. I was mad. Mad that I was out, my back hurt and I was tired. I knew in the back of my mind nothing good could come of this night. Sure enough, I went and had 2 drinks to dull the pain of my back and get me in a better mood. There was no better mood to get me in by drinking though. I was not drunk, all it did was piss me off more that I had not stuck to my beliefs and made myself my first priority. She didn’t care that I was breaking a promise I had made to myself to not drink. She only cared about herself. She finally did ask me about my date. Maybe she thought my bad mood was from that experience. My bad mood was due to letting myself down by putting others wants and needs before my own. It was so smoky and I was in so much pain. I left her there getting into another cab. I only had enough cash to make it to the highlander. The night had cost me $60.00 that should have gone to my savings for a night that I did not enjoy. Luckily I got a ride from some good friends of mine. I didn’t have anymore drinks, I didn’t smoke but I let myself down. I was home reeking of smoke at 4am only to have to wake up and finish dusting and vacuuming for my mom’s jammed packed visit. From now on, I need to listen to my heart and myself. I need to make better choices. I do not blame her for falling off the wagon. It was my choice to go and it was my choice to drink. It is a learning experience, one I will not forget.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)