The funniest thing happened today. Well it began last night, my best friend decided to involve herself in my search for mr. right. Now you must know, I have had my best friend for 24 of my 35 years. She is awesome. I love her like a sister. She is in a very committed happy relationship and has been for many many years. She actually moved to Atlanta from Louisiana to be closer to me and met him soon after arriving here. Lucky bitch!
So for all of my dating life, she has been with me starting with the night I lost my virginity. She picked me up from my "date" behind the swamp in the backwoods of little town named Houma and we had our first official sex talk. Well we've been having them ever since. We don't just talk about men and sex, hell we talk about everything. Men, our other friends, work, our families, other peoples families, celebrities, food. You name it. We gossip about it all like too old women. She is my other half in a very heterosexual way.
After reading this blog, and being very supportive of it from the get go she decided she was going to make it her new life's mission to set me up with mr. right. Now, how she intended on doing this is she set up a bogus account on Plentyoffish.com as BFF 35. It has no picture. It is just a way for her to search for men. This way, she could find men and pick out the ones she likes. I inturn am suppose to contact them once I get off of my ass and join. Now 99% of this is that my best friend wants me to find the right man and be happy. 1% is because she is nosey and the queen of internet stalking. Well I've gone through the people she found and I have to say the woman has taste. So I guess I will be joining plenty of fish.com. Maybe since I obviously am so bad at finding my other half, she will be successful at it. Then I will never hear the end of it!
The funniest thing about it is that just like Match.com we know for a fact these men lie lie lie. My best friend found my ex's best friend on plenty of fish. In it he is all pouting for the camera. He was honest about his weight, height, occupation, etc. In it he said his pet peeves are liars. Well girls and boys it shows his age as 34. The boy is 40! Hilarious. He hates liars and makes it a theme in his profile and yet he lied himself. How ironic!
So I guess I will be setting up another internet dating profile. Uggghhh! At least it will give my best friend and I something else to gossip about...love you Addie!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Day 34 Saturday March 27 2010 Music heals the soul
So I have to say, I am feeling much better. Not just physically, but mentally. I went to the Earl to the CD release party of the Future Bold. If you haven't heard of James Hall you need to check him out. www.JamesHall.com. He is my all time favorite! I've been seeing him in clubs in Atlanta for years. Everytime I go see him play, no matter where I am at in my life or what is going on that day I always leave his show feeling reborn. I don't know how to describe it. He is an excellent performer and his voice just sends chills up my spine. You know after watching him that he is the real thing...he is original and humble. A hell of a lot better than most of the mainstream acts you read about or hear on the radio. It was so good to go out and be free for once. I saw a lot of my old school friends, friends that I had before my apocolypse of a relationship. They had been reading my updates on facebook and were all so concerned with my health. The amount of love I felt in the room was overwhelming! I danced and sang at the top of my lungs. I left feeling released. Check out James Hall and the Future Bold Atlanta GA. You will love them!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Day 33-Friday March 26 2010
What a beautiful spring day. I had a friend take me down to the hospital to get my paperwork that my job needs. It seems like Human Resources fax machine and my doctors fax machine cannot communicate. I got my doctors release and FMLA paperwork to give to the powers that be on monday. Now that monday is so close, the nerves are setting in. I haven't worked in 2 weeks and a lot could have happened in 2 weeks. I just hope I still have a job. You never know when life can throw you a curve ball.I will be grateful to get back to work, to structure, to the gym. I just hope work is as happy about me coming back as I am about going back.
Day 32 Thursday March 25 2010-:(
The world can be so cruel to people.I was sitting in starbucks buying some green tea and this woman who had to be younger than me came up to me. You should have seen her face, beautiful but tired. She was obviously pregnant. She asked, barely able to look me in the eye if I had any cash. She is pregnant, has children at home and has lost her job. She doesn't have any money to feed her children. I felt like crying. I instantly gave her the cash I had. You could see the desperation and hopelessness in her eyes. I just wanted to sit her down and tell her everything would work out. Not to loose hope. Some how things would work out. It's sad when a mother cannot feed her children. It really puts things in perspective. I need to get more involved in helping others. Our society now is all about helping ourselves. Looking out for number one. That was a reality check. I have all these personal goals and they are all about bettering me. What about bettering the lives of other people who are less fortunate? With the state of the country with the economy, housing crisis, and unemployment rates sky high we should all pitch in and help our fellow human beings. I'm going to find ways to volunteer my time and talents to helping others.
Day 31 Breathe Me Wednesday March 24 2010
So, about yesterday. There is so much to say that I didn't have time give it justice. I started this blog for very specific reasons. I use to blog on myspace and though it did serve it's purpose at the time, it's not in my best interests for me to expose myself on my myspace page. Hell, who really uses myspace anymore anyway. People are either on facebook or twittering their little hearts out. I also wanted to embark on this new beginning in my life and in order to do this, I wanted to take it to the next level. I hope that it ends up being as entertaining for my readers as it was on myspace over the years.
I mainly started this blog after a man that held my heart in his hands for the last 11 years left. I met him when I was 24. It was always a very intense all consuming relationship but with fire you are bound to get burned. At first, it was an affair...shame on me. Then it was a relationship with the shared car, shared money, home and his and her insurance. Then, there was infedelity followed by years of devastating breakups, makeups and everything inbetween. I was so involved with him, I lost me some how along the way. Then finally after almost 11 years of back and forth, and us having relationships with other people we came to a cross roads. I should clarify, I came to a crossroads. He had already crossed the road and went to the other side. For years I was stuck because even though we were no longer "together" he never allowed me to fully move on. Stuck in limbo. Unable to go back, unable to move forward. Unable to breathe. I got the news he intended on moving. I lost my mind. Really I did. What was I going to do without this man who I depended on when he wasn't really dependable. Who was I going to be without him? How now at the age of 35 was I going to have my happy ending. He was moving to an exotic new city with a brand new girlfriend. I was still in the apartment with the scuff marks over my bed from our relationship. We said our goodbyes, he left and I was devastated. But with devastation, comes rebirth and rebuilding. And that's what made me start this blog. It was to document my goals, document my life and share it with people who might find themselves having a early mid life crisis. I always thought he would be better off...hell everything came easy to him. He had everything he wanted. I was the one that was going to have to scream, cry, crawl and struggle to regain myself.
But, a funny thing happened boys and girls. I woke up to the phone call I didn't see coming. He called. I was shocked and courious what was up. Instead of jumping up and down, hanging on his every word my first response was "what do you want". I wasn't trying to be mean, hateful or vindictive. I have loved this man for 11 years and even though I am not happy with how things went down, I will always wish him the best, love him in a way, and wish him happiness. I figured he was calling to let me know how wonderful his life was. It was the opposite though. He wasn't happy, I could hear it in the sound of his voice. He complained about the new place, the fact of everyone speaking spanish, the lack of work for him, his new girlfriends kid. The fact he couldn't sleep at night. He sounded sick, exhausted and just unhappy. Here I was thinking when he left, I would be the one to suffer. He asked me how I was, if I was okay. And the weirdest most satisfying thing happened. The answer shocked me. I am okay! I'm better than okay. I'm great. And it wasn' t a lie. I might have been sick for the last 2 weeks and let's face it people, the blog was a real debbie downer. As a whole though, I am stronger, happier and healthier than I have been in the last 11 years. I've grown so much as a person and have found myself. The fact he misses me is just icing on the cake! I got off the phone, and cried for a minute. And then, it stopped. Not after days or hours or minutes. A minute. What sweet progress!
I mainly started this blog after a man that held my heart in his hands for the last 11 years left. I met him when I was 24. It was always a very intense all consuming relationship but with fire you are bound to get burned. At first, it was an affair...shame on me. Then it was a relationship with the shared car, shared money, home and his and her insurance. Then, there was infedelity followed by years of devastating breakups, makeups and everything inbetween. I was so involved with him, I lost me some how along the way. Then finally after almost 11 years of back and forth, and us having relationships with other people we came to a cross roads. I should clarify, I came to a crossroads. He had already crossed the road and went to the other side. For years I was stuck because even though we were no longer "together" he never allowed me to fully move on. Stuck in limbo. Unable to go back, unable to move forward. Unable to breathe. I got the news he intended on moving. I lost my mind. Really I did. What was I going to do without this man who I depended on when he wasn't really dependable. Who was I going to be without him? How now at the age of 35 was I going to have my happy ending. He was moving to an exotic new city with a brand new girlfriend. I was still in the apartment with the scuff marks over my bed from our relationship. We said our goodbyes, he left and I was devastated. But with devastation, comes rebirth and rebuilding. And that's what made me start this blog. It was to document my goals, document my life and share it with people who might find themselves having a early mid life crisis. I always thought he would be better off...hell everything came easy to him. He had everything he wanted. I was the one that was going to have to scream, cry, crawl and struggle to regain myself.
But, a funny thing happened boys and girls. I woke up to the phone call I didn't see coming. He called. I was shocked and courious what was up. Instead of jumping up and down, hanging on his every word my first response was "what do you want". I wasn't trying to be mean, hateful or vindictive. I have loved this man for 11 years and even though I am not happy with how things went down, I will always wish him the best, love him in a way, and wish him happiness. I figured he was calling to let me know how wonderful his life was. It was the opposite though. He wasn't happy, I could hear it in the sound of his voice. He complained about the new place, the fact of everyone speaking spanish, the lack of work for him, his new girlfriends kid. The fact he couldn't sleep at night. He sounded sick, exhausted and just unhappy. Here I was thinking when he left, I would be the one to suffer. He asked me how I was, if I was okay. And the weirdest most satisfying thing happened. The answer shocked me. I am okay! I'm better than okay. I'm great. And it wasn' t a lie. I might have been sick for the last 2 weeks and let's face it people, the blog was a real debbie downer. As a whole though, I am stronger, happier and healthier than I have been in the last 11 years. I've grown so much as a person and have found myself. The fact he misses me is just icing on the cake! I got off the phone, and cried for a minute. And then, it stopped. Not after days or hours or minutes. A minute. What sweet progress!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Day 30 March 24..I'm really okay...
Wow. I'm about to get kicked out of Starbucks but I just wanted to say on day 30-I'm okay! Today was amazing. I would blog about it now, but starbucks is closing and I don't feel I have the time to do this blog justice. So tomorrow get ready! It has been officially 30 days that I started blogging due to an unbelievably brutal heartache. Now, 30 days later I am still standing. Who's crying now? You'll have to read tomorrow to see!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Day 29...Limbo
Today, is a good day! The medicine seems to be working. I don't feel 100%. I don't yet feel 50%. I'm still concerned with work and the FMLA issue. I'm still concerned about my vacation days. I finally realized there are some things in life, no matter how hard we try that we cannot control. Instead of focusing on the things we cannot control, I need to focus on the things I can. I always get so worked up over things that I simply cannot do anything about. Like this health situation for instance. All I can do is take the best care of myself and do what the doctor's say. Hope for the best without dreading the worst. It's all a matter of positive thinking. I cannot change I'm missing work. What I can change is my attitude and commit to stop stressing about it. I'm going to focus on the things I can change. No more stress, no more negativity. What happens happens. I need to just roll with the punches. I need to focus on the big picture which is changing my life. Sometimes things have to get a lot worse before it gets a lot better.
Today is a beautiful day! The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. I'm finally caught up on posting all my blogs from my journal! That in itself is an amazing accomplishment considering my landlords lack of fixing the things that are wrong with my apartment. My internet is about as reliable as my last boyfriend! How are you suppose to maintain a blog without internet. I've lived at my apartment for 3 years next month. I think it is time for a change. I love my apartment, it's spacious,it's on the 2nd floor with a beautiful screened in porch off the living area complete with a ceiling fan. I love the Garden Hills Neighborhood. It is my favorite neighborhood in Atlanta. I'm just a hop skip and a jump away from Barnes and Noble which is my favorite place, starbucks, sushi, grocery stores, my eyedoctor, the pharmacy,smoothie king. What more does a girl need. I live by beautiful old homes surrounded by the laughter of kids. I just would not want to live anywhere else. Unfortunately though, my building is old. 1930's old. Not only do I not have a dishwasher, I have horrible ventilation system. I never had these respiratory problems, bronchitis, asthma, etc prior to living in this apartment. The landlord never changes the vents and never returns calls about it. It's been going on for 3 years. My doctor thinks its the apartment due to dust, the heating and air conditioning system or possibly mold that is making me sick. I'm getting no anwers from the landlord. I hate to rock the boat because I love the area of town I live in, the convenience, my neighbors and the fact that they haven't raised the rent or had me sign a lease in years. But my health is on the line. So I'm going to look for an apartment! See what's out there. Maybe I need to move to feel better..maybe a change will do me good!
Today is a beautiful day! The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. I'm finally caught up on posting all my blogs from my journal! That in itself is an amazing accomplishment considering my landlords lack of fixing the things that are wrong with my apartment. My internet is about as reliable as my last boyfriend! How are you suppose to maintain a blog without internet. I've lived at my apartment for 3 years next month. I think it is time for a change. I love my apartment, it's spacious,it's on the 2nd floor with a beautiful screened in porch off the living area complete with a ceiling fan. I love the Garden Hills Neighborhood. It is my favorite neighborhood in Atlanta. I'm just a hop skip and a jump away from Barnes and Noble which is my favorite place, starbucks, sushi, grocery stores, my eyedoctor, the pharmacy,smoothie king. What more does a girl need. I live by beautiful old homes surrounded by the laughter of kids. I just would not want to live anywhere else. Unfortunately though, my building is old. 1930's old. Not only do I not have a dishwasher, I have horrible ventilation system. I never had these respiratory problems, bronchitis, asthma, etc prior to living in this apartment. The landlord never changes the vents and never returns calls about it. It's been going on for 3 years. My doctor thinks its the apartment due to dust, the heating and air conditioning system or possibly mold that is making me sick. I'm getting no anwers from the landlord. I hate to rock the boat because I love the area of town I live in, the convenience, my neighbors and the fact that they haven't raised the rent or had me sign a lease in years. But my health is on the line. So I'm going to look for an apartment! See what's out there. Maybe I need to move to feel better..maybe a change will do me good!
Day 28 Monday March 22 Snow flurries?
What the hell? This weekend was a warm spring weekend. Flowers and trees blooming. People outdoors tanning and playing sports. This morning a cold front brought in by yesterday's previous thundershowers caused us to have snow flurries in the morning. Atlanta and it's weird weather. I wished I could have been a wake to see it. I love the snow! I should live up north!
So, I woke up at 5 am...sick! Called in sick again and made the decision to take myself to the hospital. I lucked out. I got there quick, they saw me right away. I got on the scale and lost 5 lbs since last Thursday. That was exciting. I would rather not be sick but to know that I am the thinnest I have been in 5 years gave me something to smile about. I saw my poor doctor who scratched his head while the 4 medical students looked on. What were they going to give me? Why was I worse and not better? They couldn't give me any steroids, I was already using inhalers, antiobiotics. I needed a decongestant and I'm allergic to them. Sudafed turns me into a nightmare. So what to do! Well I was a modern medical dilemma. In the end, I got put on 2 nose sprays, more antibiotics, an asthma medication, and allergy pill all to be taken at different times. I don't know how I will keep it all straight. I have all the 8+ meds on different shelves in my kitchen arranged my morning, afternoon and night. Between my crohn's medications, and this god I feel like a walking pharmacy. I faxed the notes to my manager who said I was okay and to just get better. She reassured me I didn't need to do anything else, she had everything covered and just to focus on getting better. I felt really reassured...until the call came from human resources. She had been alerted by my oh so concerned manager that I had been out for more than 5 days. They need to get FMLA paperwork from my doctor. I also needed to run and find a fax machine to fax the same doctor's notes to human resources that I have been sure to fax to my manager each time I went to the doctor. Now not only do I need to figure out how to take all these meds and get better, I also have to worry about the office and whether or not I go in or not. The short term disability just makes it more difficult to decide what my next move will be. I want to get better, I want to go back to work at 100%. I want to get paid. I want to be healthy and do a good job. But how soon is too soon! If the short term disability gets denied I'm out more PTO days. If it gets approved and I go back to soon I loose it. If I go back too soon I relapse. What to do?
I hope I feel better either way. So far...I think I do. We shall see. I did get home to see Betty White on Ellen getting a strip tease. That made up for this whole past week. I love Betty White!
Day 27 Sunday March 20, 2010 Ugghhh
Today my allergies symptoms hit me like a brick which just enhanced my bronchitis. It was a rainy day, which I usually love the most when I am not feeling well. I hoped the rain would help wash away whatever was making me sneeze every other minute, eyes water, nose run like a broken faucet, and cough continue with a vengeance! I stayed in my PJ's and watched Have you heard about the Morgans which was cute. I always love Sarah Jessica Parker. She always brings such class, spunk and charm to every role she plays in. I just love her and respect her. I also watched Up and away with Georg Clooney. I usually don't enjoy his movies. I do every year make it a point to watch as many as the Oscar nominated films as possible. Plus I loved the whole premise of the movie. With the economic times that this world is facing, the movie could not be more on point. I enjoyed both the films. It just made me worry about my job though. It's hard not to watch the movie, see George Clooney fire people throughout the whole thing and not think about your own career. I do recommend everyone watch it. It has a great message.
Tomorrow I will be going back to the hospital. I do not feel better. Infact, I feel 100% worse. I'm taking all my prescription drugs and now over the counter allergy medication. I can't sleep. I can't take care of myself. I have no energy and no relief from symptoms. I don't want to end up like all those hollywood people who take all these prescription drugs and over the counter remedies and od. So like it or not, the most responsible thing for me to do at this time is bite the bullet and go back to the hospital before I end up having to get admitted to it. Hopefully tomorrow I will get some much needed relief. I'll be able to go back to my life....
Day 26 Saturday March 20 2010 first day of spring...
I love the idea of spring. It's what it brings that makes me dislike it so. I love fall. The cooler temperatures, the ability to keep my screen door open, the smells, the relief from the Atlanta humidity. Spring has the ability to have the same qualities that I love about fall except everything is blooming! With blooming comes allergies, sinus infections and bronchitis. So while I like the warmer weather, the ability to take Rex on walks in the dog park, wearing less clothing, seeing the beautiful flowers bloom on the trees I can't ever bring myself to fully enjoy it. Case in point...the sneeze fest that has occurred today. If I sneezed once, I sneezed a thousand times. I figured it might be due to pollen so I cleaned my porch even the fan outside, dusted the whole house, vacummed, mopped, washed the bedding, the dog. You name it, it was done. They don't call it spring cleaning for nothing. As the day ended and the night was upon me, I was happy at how clean my house was but I was still sick as a dog! So much for zertex.
The good news though, is I realized that today has been a whole month since my heartbreak. Sure I'm going through some health issues I have yet to overcome. I am so much further ahead than I thought I would be last month! I haven't gone a whole month without smoking a cigerrette since I was a teenager! That is a huge accomplishment. I have lost 10 pounds the healthy way in a month. I have started and kept this journal even with internet issues. I have gone on my first blind date. I have not spoken to the person who caused me so much pain in a month. I will survive!!! In a month I have accomplished so much. So what if for the last week, I have been down. It does not take away the courage, class and focus I have had in reinventing myself. If I have accomplished just this small list of things in a month, I wonder where I will be by next month! I have so much hope in my heart!
Day 25 Friday March 19, 2010 Jittery!!!
I woke up at 5am with a headache from hell. I have never had 2 steriod shots in one day and right now I am so jittery. I feel all junky inside. The coughing is decreasing but in its absence is a feeling that I cannot describe. I don't have the strength to get out of bed. 5 days out sick=5 days PTO. Crap!!! At least I have the weekend to heal or it's back to the hospital on Monday. Please sweet baby jesus! Let me get better.
Day 24 Thursday March 18. 2010 2 shots in the ass and words to live by:
4 days out sick=4 days of PTO not used on vacation!!
The first thing I think of when I wake up and call out is count the vacation days I'm using due to this situation. I haven't been able to go on a vacation or visit my family in years due to medical complications. It's so frustrating. I really let it get to me last night. Today, I got up ready to fight. I went to the hospital and got not one but two steroid shots. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow and will be back at work tomorrow. In the meantime I have been reviewing my blog and this illness has seemed to get me off of course. Just because the same situations health wise are happening to me does not determine that this year I will not be able to accomplish my goals. This blog is not about me feeling sorry for myself or inviting the world to an internet pitty party. This blog is about reinventing myself. Sure I have had a setback this week, but all things good or bad do not last forever. This will pass. So, here are my new rules I need to live by;
Always make myself and my health my number one priority
I can do this by just following these rules:
Get 8 hours of sleep a day
No smoking and avoid smoky places no matter what
No alcoholic beverages
Excercise daily
Eat healthy
Keep doctor's appointments and follow their advice
Take medication as needed on time.
Meditate
Take time to breathe
Reduce stress
Go to work
A long list, and a simple list. Sometimes though, I must remind myself of the simplest things. Don't we all though!
Day 23Wednesday March 17, 2010 Happy St Patricks Day & Happy Birthday Rexie!!!
Today marks a lot of things for me. It was a year today, I was at home recovering from my first Crohn's surgery unable to partake in St. Patricks Day festivities. Green beer and percocets don't go well. Today also marks a year that I stopped being a vegetarian. I was a full time vegetarian for only a year. I just love cheeseburgers and steak too much! Here I am a year later, and once again I am home sick for how long I do not know. Today also is Rex's my chubby and adorable beagle's 7th birthday! Too bad two years in a row I have been under the weather. So many emotions are overwhelming me now. I feel bad that I'm missing work. I'm nervous that my new assignment is going to think I am not dependable. I am emotionally drained from knowing that I have been following the doctor's orders and taking medication...It has yet to make a dent in how I feel. I know I will have to spend the $25.00 co payment and miss yet another day of work to get a steroid shot. Right now I don't know how I will find the strength to get out of bed feeling as lousy as I am, get on the bus and drag my sick ass to the hospital. The whole situation just upsets me because I really wanted this year to be the start of feeling better, doing more things, less time in the hospital and more time at work. Hell, I just want to live a sick free normal life. I keep questioning why I was handed this lot in life. St Patricks Day is the perfect time for me to reflect upon it.
I am irish by birth. My biological dad was irish, hence why I was named Erin. I came from a very proud irish family on my biological father's side. He was never around. He was abusive to my mother and lucky for both my mom and I, she left where I was born in NJ and moved to Virginia where she would meet the man I call my dad. Any man can give sperm, only a true man can be a father. I can honestly say I have the best dad in the world and I would not change that for anything! My biological dad has haunted me for years and especially around St. Patricks Day. It's hard to not think of him since I was named for his nationality. He's been dead due to alcoholism and complications of gout, heart disease, diabetes and crohn's disease. He never gave me anything but childhood nightmares, emotional abuse and a chronic illness. The fact that he died at 49 makes me sad and yet apprehensive on how long I will be around. I know I am combating the disease as much as possible. I stay up to date on treatments, eat well, exercise, don't smoke, don't drink, get plenty of sleep. I keep my doctors appointments and take medicine plus vitamins and minerals. All this and yet here I sit, sick and unable to fight off this bronchitis. All because of some bad genes from my biological dad! The years of torment and abuse are long past me. I no longer question why he was so cruel and emotionally unavailable in my life. I no longer question why he didn't step up and be the father I deserve or why he never loved me. I no longer feel that I did something wrong or I wasn't good enough for him or his messed up family. I am grateful for the dad I have. The dad that is always there to support me, love me, comfort me and raise me to be the fighter I am today.
But it is St Patricks day...old habits die hard. I will now only allow myself to think of my deceased sperm doner today! I hope I get better. I want to live a better life than he did.
Day 22 March 16 Frustration
Tuesday March 16, 2010 Frustrated
Sick again. I woke up feverish and coughing my head off. I had to call in again which did nothing but stress me out. I already missed work Friday, and Monday. I have this brand new assignment with a new sales team. What kind of impression are they going to get from this! I’m not even well enough or strong enough to drag my sick ass to the hospital to get checked out. I did manage to call my doctor who called in antiobiotics and said since I have been running a temperature I shouldn’t go back to work until Thursday. That is 3 days PTO! Crap! I feel like I have smoked a carton of cigerrettes. I should have just listened to myself, to my body and not gone out Friday night. Now I am paying the price. Never again. All it has done is caused me to be sick, disappointed and stressed.
Sick again. I woke up feverish and coughing my head off. I had to call in again which did nothing but stress me out. I already missed work Friday, and Monday. I have this brand new assignment with a new sales team. What kind of impression are they going to get from this! I’m not even well enough or strong enough to drag my sick ass to the hospital to get checked out. I did manage to call my doctor who called in antiobiotics and said since I have been running a temperature I shouldn’t go back to work until Thursday. That is 3 days PTO! Crap! I feel like I have smoked a carton of cigerrettes. I should have just listened to myself, to my body and not gone out Friday night. Now I am paying the price. Never again. All it has done is caused me to be sick, disappointed and stressed.
Day 21..Should have listened to my body
Monday March 15, 2010 Sick as a dog and disgusted
The thing that is the most important to remember when having a chronic auto immune disease is that your body does not work like everyone else’s. You are tired a lot, take a lot of medicines, have to really eat well, sleep enough and avoid things that can make your immune system wear down. I forget to listen to my body when it becomes overwhelmed. Unfortunately, this causes me to get sick and my body just shuts down completely. If I am lucky it is only a day with some rest and maybe some antibiotics and I’m back on my feet. I have a feeling this is not the case. I woke up coughing due to the smoke from Friday. I know that was what did it. People with chronic acute bronchitis do not need to be in smoky places with no ventilation. Just another great mistake to add to the others of Friday night! I woke up with definite bronchitis accompanied by a fever a day off of work. I hate missing work with a new assignment under my belt. I know my boss is going to be pissed and I’m using PTO I need to save for the whole year. This is only March. I have to go see my grandmother. Please let me feel better tomorrow! I cannot miss another day!
The thing that is the most important to remember when having a chronic auto immune disease is that your body does not work like everyone else’s. You are tired a lot, take a lot of medicines, have to really eat well, sleep enough and avoid things that can make your immune system wear down. I forget to listen to my body when it becomes overwhelmed. Unfortunately, this causes me to get sick and my body just shuts down completely. If I am lucky it is only a day with some rest and maybe some antibiotics and I’m back on my feet. I have a feeling this is not the case. I woke up coughing due to the smoke from Friday. I know that was what did it. People with chronic acute bronchitis do not need to be in smoky places with no ventilation. Just another great mistake to add to the others of Friday night! I woke up with definite bronchitis accompanied by a fever a day off of work. I hate missing work with a new assignment under my belt. I know my boss is going to be pissed and I’m using PTO I need to save for the whole year. This is only March. I have to go see my grandmother. Please let me feel better tomorrow! I cannot miss another day!
Day 20 Relaxation...
Sunday March 20, 2010 Ugghhh
Today my allergies symptoms hit me like a brick which just enhanced my bronchitis. It was a rainy day, which I usually love the most when I am not feeling well. I hoped the rain would help wash away whatever was making me sneeze every other minute, eyes water, nose run like a broken faucet, and cough continue with a vengeance! I stayed in my PJ’s and watched Have You Seen The Morgans? which was cute. I always love Sarah Jessica Parker. She always brings such class, spunk and charm to every role she plays in. I just love her and respect her. I also watched Up in the Air with Georg Clooney. I usually don’t enjoy his movies. I do every year make it a point to watch as many as the Oscar nominated films as possible. Plus I loved the whole premise of the movie. With the economic times that this world is facing, the movie could not be more on point. I enjoyed both the films. It just made me worry about my job though. It’s hard not to watch the movie, see George Clooney fire people throughout the whole thing and not think about your own career. I do recommend everyone watch it. It has a great message.
Tomorrow I will be going back to the hospital. I do not feel better. Infact, I feel 100% worse. I’m taking all my prescription drugs and now over the counter allergy medication. I can’t sleep. I can’t take care of myself. I have no energy and no relief from symptoms. I don’t want to end up like all those Hollywood people who take all these prescription drugs and over the counter remedies and OD. So like it or not, the most responsible thing for me to do at this time is bite the bullet and go back to the hospital before I end up having to get admitted to it. Hopefully tomorrow I will get some much needed relief. I’ll be able to go back to my life....
Today my allergies symptoms hit me like a brick which just enhanced my bronchitis. It was a rainy day, which I usually love the most when I am not feeling well. I hoped the rain would help wash away whatever was making me sneeze every other minute, eyes water, nose run like a broken faucet, and cough continue with a vengeance! I stayed in my PJ’s and watched Have You Seen The Morgans? which was cute. I always love Sarah Jessica Parker. She always brings such class, spunk and charm to every role she plays in. I just love her and respect her. I also watched Up in the Air with Georg Clooney. I usually don’t enjoy his movies. I do every year make it a point to watch as many as the Oscar nominated films as possible. Plus I loved the whole premise of the movie. With the economic times that this world is facing, the movie could not be more on point. I enjoyed both the films. It just made me worry about my job though. It’s hard not to watch the movie, see George Clooney fire people throughout the whole thing and not think about your own career. I do recommend everyone watch it. It has a great message.
Tomorrow I will be going back to the hospital. I do not feel better. Infact, I feel 100% worse. I’m taking all my prescription drugs and now over the counter allergy medication. I can’t sleep. I can’t take care of myself. I have no energy and no relief from symptoms. I don’t want to end up like all those Hollywood people who take all these prescription drugs and over the counter remedies and OD. So like it or not, the most responsible thing for me to do at this time is bite the bullet and go back to the hospital before I end up having to get admitted to it. Hopefully tomorrow I will get some much needed relief. I’ll be able to go back to my life....
Day 19 Those Damn Girlscouts Get You Everytime
Saturday March 13 2010
I woke up exhausted. I had started the new hormone treatment my doctor had prescribed me last night when I got home. I woke up moody, tired and dizzy. Part of it was the hormones, part of it was lack of sleep. I got up and finished my vacuuming and dusting. I was not even showered or dressed when my mom got here. I told her of my failings of the night before but she kept encouraging me. I hurried up and got ready still beating myself up for the 2 drinks the night before.
My mom and I have in the last few years have grown to have one of the best relationships a mother and daughter could be lucky enough to have. We have worked very hard for it and I am grateful that she can visit so often. She is only 3 ½ hours away in the Knoxville Tennessee. She always comes once a month with my two old dogs Max 12 years and Hannah 11. ( I think) I only wish my dad who is on the road driving a truck could have come this time.
We had a great visit even though I felt tired and yucky. We found her hairdresser and I got to see a side of town that I had not been to in a long time. I need to get a car so I can explore the city more and not be just confined to my little neighbourhood of buckhead. It was a beautiful pre spring day and I got to take some pretty photos of the trees blooming as we drove back. We did some shopping. I got some new exercise pants a size smaller than normal which shows that diet and exercise does pay off. We went to Michaels and looked for hobbies I could take up. We went down every row. If you have never in your life experienced Michaels...it is a little intimidating. We went down the rows of crafts from painting, to scrapbooking, to needle point, jewlry making, candle making, fake flowers. We had the most fun trying on animal hats and sending pictures of us looking ridiculous to my father who inturn said we needed to find a hobby. Well hell, that is what we were doing there in the first place!
Before we knew it, it was 7. We grabbed some Cajun food from the take out place just loafing down the street. Two shrimp po boys dressed with to sides of jambalaya and some boudain. We went home to watch some Couple Retreat and eat 2 boxes of girl scouts cookies. Yes I fell of my diet wagon with a huge thud. But I enjoyed it with my mom watching couples retreat. I could not have asked for a better day, just less calories.
I woke up exhausted. I had started the new hormone treatment my doctor had prescribed me last night when I got home. I woke up moody, tired and dizzy. Part of it was the hormones, part of it was lack of sleep. I got up and finished my vacuuming and dusting. I was not even showered or dressed when my mom got here. I told her of my failings of the night before but she kept encouraging me. I hurried up and got ready still beating myself up for the 2 drinks the night before.
My mom and I have in the last few years have grown to have one of the best relationships a mother and daughter could be lucky enough to have. We have worked very hard for it and I am grateful that she can visit so often. She is only 3 ½ hours away in the Knoxville Tennessee. She always comes once a month with my two old dogs Max 12 years and Hannah 11. ( I think) I only wish my dad who is on the road driving a truck could have come this time.
We had a great visit even though I felt tired and yucky. We found her hairdresser and I got to see a side of town that I had not been to in a long time. I need to get a car so I can explore the city more and not be just confined to my little neighbourhood of buckhead. It was a beautiful pre spring day and I got to take some pretty photos of the trees blooming as we drove back. We did some shopping. I got some new exercise pants a size smaller than normal which shows that diet and exercise does pay off. We went to Michaels and looked for hobbies I could take up. We went down every row. If you have never in your life experienced Michaels...it is a little intimidating. We went down the rows of crafts from painting, to scrapbooking, to needle point, jewlry making, candle making, fake flowers. We had the most fun trying on animal hats and sending pictures of us looking ridiculous to my father who inturn said we needed to find a hobby. Well hell, that is what we were doing there in the first place!
Before we knew it, it was 7. We grabbed some Cajun food from the take out place just loafing down the street. Two shrimp po boys dressed with to sides of jambalaya and some boudain. We went home to watch some Couple Retreat and eat 2 boxes of girl scouts cookies. Yes I fell of my diet wagon with a huge thud. But I enjoyed it with my mom watching couples retreat. I could not have asked for a better day, just less calories.
Day 18 Never Compromise Yourself
Journal Entry: Friday March 12-Never Compromise Yourself
What a day! A beautiful beginning but a tragic ending! Everyday as I embark on this journey to find myself, reinvent myself and find out what I really want out of life there will be learning experiences. I look forward to each of them knowing it is these experiences that will bring me closer to my ultimate goal of getting exactly what I want out of life. Today was defiantly a learning experience.
Friday! It’s like music to my ears every week. A welcome friend to relieve me after a stressful work week. I looked forward to my monthly visit from my mom over the weekend. I haven’t seen her since the Super bowl. I went to work ready to tie up some loose ends, send reports, make some calls and kick some ass. Only to be followed by conquering the elliptical for 30 minutes something that has not been possible yet. I had an 11:30 luncheon at work. It was for all the volunteers that stayed behind and worked while everyone else went to the 70’ themed customer operations award event. Once I got to the luncheon, the vice president of customer operations informed us all over our gourmet boxed lunch that we could grab our food and go home paid without using PTO for the rest of the day! I figured since our department had already given us the 4 hours PTO that I had used earlier in the week I would not be allowed to go home. To my surprise when returning to the floor I was told to pack up and enjoy the rest of my Friday! It was like music to my ears and my prayers had been answered. I immediately grabbed my belongings including my packed work out bag and headed for the gym to conquer those 30 minutes on the elliptical! I went to the bank by taxi even though it was raining. Got the money I needed to give my mom to put towards my potential car. I didn’t even let the ugly thunderstorm stop me from running errands. I took a $20.00 cab ride to Buckhead. I went to target and took my time getting cleaning supplies. I even managed to snatch up some nice sets of earrings for a discounted price. I took the bus home to clean the house and watch the golden girls. I still had to do dishes, laundry, dusting and vacuuming. God what a lot of dishes! The next apartment/condo or house (fingers crossed) I get I will make sure it has a dish washer. I am not made to wash dishes. I always miss something and my back just can’t take it. I had finally hit my stride when I received the call I knew that was going to take me down a road I didn’t need to go. My other bf called. She still wanted to go to Eastside Lounge in East Atlanta. Her car was not working so we would have to take a cab after she had dinner with her parents. She wanted to go out at 9:30. I explained to her that my mother was arriving early tomorrow morning for a short visit. I still had a lot of cleaning to do. I still hadn’t even managed to eat dinner. I didn’t want to go out late and stay out when my mom would be here in the morning. I wanted to be well rested with all my cleaning and errands accomplished. I didn’t want to spend the money on cabs, etc. She has been having issues with her on again off again boyfriend and has been hammering at me to go out for weeks. I still did not feel secure in my new founded sobriety to be out in a dance bar or any bar for that matter. She knew that I was trying to stay sober and I had voiced my concerns over and over again in the past weeks. All my words of concern fell on deaf ears. So I didn’t feel like another argument or worse her telling me how once again she was disappointed. So against my better judgement I went. She wanted to be out by 9:30 and I would pay for one cab ride to ESL and she would pay for the one home. We had agreed to be home no later than 2. Well I stopped cleaning, scarfed food down and got ready. At 9:30 I called her, but her parents where still there eating. She advised me that she would call me once they left. By 10 pm she called and advised me that they had left but she wasn’t ready to go. I became infuriated for several reasons. First, she didn’t respect that I had things to do and cleaning to finish. Second that it was later and I needed to be up early so I could spend some much needed time with my family. Third she didn’t care about even asking me in 2 days how my date went. Fourth...she didn’t care about what I wanted at all...most of all my sobriety. By the time I picked her up in the cab at 11 I was infuriated. I could barely say anything. I was mad. Mad that I was out, my back hurt and I was tired. I knew in the back of my mind nothing good could come of this night. Sure enough, I went and had 2 drinks to dull the pain of my back and get me in a better mood. There was no better mood to get me in by drinking though. I was not drunk, all it did was piss me off more that I had not stuck to my beliefs and made myself my first priority. She didn’t care that I was breaking a promise I had made to myself to not drink. She only cared about herself. She finally did ask me about my date. Maybe she thought my bad mood was from that experience. My bad mood was due to letting myself down by putting others wants and needs before my own. It was so smoky and I was in so much pain. I left her there getting into another cab. I only had enough cash to make it to the highlander. The night had cost me $60.00 that should have gone to my savings for a night that I did not enjoy. Luckily I got a ride from some good friends of mine. I didn’t have anymore drinks, I didn’t smoke but I let myself down. I was home reeking of smoke at 4am only to have to wake up and finish dusting and vacuuming for my mom’s jammed packed visit. From now on, I need to listen to my heart and myself. I need to make better choices. I do not blame her for falling off the wagon. It was my choice to go and it was my choice to drink. It is a learning experience, one I will not forget.
What a day! A beautiful beginning but a tragic ending! Everyday as I embark on this journey to find myself, reinvent myself and find out what I really want out of life there will be learning experiences. I look forward to each of them knowing it is these experiences that will bring me closer to my ultimate goal of getting exactly what I want out of life. Today was defiantly a learning experience.
Friday! It’s like music to my ears every week. A welcome friend to relieve me after a stressful work week. I looked forward to my monthly visit from my mom over the weekend. I haven’t seen her since the Super bowl. I went to work ready to tie up some loose ends, send reports, make some calls and kick some ass. Only to be followed by conquering the elliptical for 30 minutes something that has not been possible yet. I had an 11:30 luncheon at work. It was for all the volunteers that stayed behind and worked while everyone else went to the 70’ themed customer operations award event. Once I got to the luncheon, the vice president of customer operations informed us all over our gourmet boxed lunch that we could grab our food and go home paid without using PTO for the rest of the day! I figured since our department had already given us the 4 hours PTO that I had used earlier in the week I would not be allowed to go home. To my surprise when returning to the floor I was told to pack up and enjoy the rest of my Friday! It was like music to my ears and my prayers had been answered. I immediately grabbed my belongings including my packed work out bag and headed for the gym to conquer those 30 minutes on the elliptical! I went to the bank by taxi even though it was raining. Got the money I needed to give my mom to put towards my potential car. I didn’t even let the ugly thunderstorm stop me from running errands. I took a $20.00 cab ride to Buckhead. I went to target and took my time getting cleaning supplies. I even managed to snatch up some nice sets of earrings for a discounted price. I took the bus home to clean the house and watch the golden girls. I still had to do dishes, laundry, dusting and vacuuming. God what a lot of dishes! The next apartment/condo or house (fingers crossed) I get I will make sure it has a dish washer. I am not made to wash dishes. I always miss something and my back just can’t take it. I had finally hit my stride when I received the call I knew that was going to take me down a road I didn’t need to go. My other bf called. She still wanted to go to Eastside Lounge in East Atlanta. Her car was not working so we would have to take a cab after she had dinner with her parents. She wanted to go out at 9:30. I explained to her that my mother was arriving early tomorrow morning for a short visit. I still had a lot of cleaning to do. I still hadn’t even managed to eat dinner. I didn’t want to go out late and stay out when my mom would be here in the morning. I wanted to be well rested with all my cleaning and errands accomplished. I didn’t want to spend the money on cabs, etc. She has been having issues with her on again off again boyfriend and has been hammering at me to go out for weeks. I still did not feel secure in my new founded sobriety to be out in a dance bar or any bar for that matter. She knew that I was trying to stay sober and I had voiced my concerns over and over again in the past weeks. All my words of concern fell on deaf ears. So I didn’t feel like another argument or worse her telling me how once again she was disappointed. So against my better judgement I went. She wanted to be out by 9:30 and I would pay for one cab ride to ESL and she would pay for the one home. We had agreed to be home no later than 2. Well I stopped cleaning, scarfed food down and got ready. At 9:30 I called her, but her parents where still there eating. She advised me that she would call me once they left. By 10 pm she called and advised me that they had left but she wasn’t ready to go. I became infuriated for several reasons. First, she didn’t respect that I had things to do and cleaning to finish. Second that it was later and I needed to be up early so I could spend some much needed time with my family. Third she didn’t care about even asking me in 2 days how my date went. Fourth...she didn’t care about what I wanted at all...most of all my sobriety. By the time I picked her up in the cab at 11 I was infuriated. I could barely say anything. I was mad. Mad that I was out, my back hurt and I was tired. I knew in the back of my mind nothing good could come of this night. Sure enough, I went and had 2 drinks to dull the pain of my back and get me in a better mood. There was no better mood to get me in by drinking though. I was not drunk, all it did was piss me off more that I had not stuck to my beliefs and made myself my first priority. She didn’t care that I was breaking a promise I had made to myself to not drink. She only cared about herself. She finally did ask me about my date. Maybe she thought my bad mood was from that experience. My bad mood was due to letting myself down by putting others wants and needs before my own. It was so smoky and I was in so much pain. I left her there getting into another cab. I only had enough cash to make it to the highlander. The night had cost me $60.00 that should have gone to my savings for a night that I did not enjoy. Luckily I got a ride from some good friends of mine. I didn’t have anymore drinks, I didn’t smoke but I let myself down. I was home reeking of smoke at 4am only to have to wake up and finish dusting and vacuuming for my mom’s jammed packed visit. From now on, I need to listen to my heart and myself. I need to make better choices. I do not blame her for falling off the wagon. It was my choice to go and it was my choice to drink. It is a learning experience, one I will not forget.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Day 17 March 11 Exhaustion
God, I'm tired. I wish I had some time to myself to do nothing. I have laundry, dishes, dusting, vacumming, gardening, blogging, errands and golden girls to watch. It seems like lately I am just go go going with no time to breathe. I wish in a way I wouldn't have used that 4 hours awarded PTO on "the chemist". I could have used it to get some rest. Between getting up and going to work, a quick 30 minute lunch which doesn't leave me much time to do anything but scarf a quick lunch, the gym, once a week therapy sessions, dog walks, and trying to have a life I have no time. Every weekend, it seems like something is going on. I should be grateful, but I'm exhausted. This weekend, my other BFF J wants me to go to the 80"s retro dance night at Eastside Lounge in East Atlanta Village. She has been having issues with her on again off again boyfriend and wants to go out and dance. I just want to go home friday and sleep. I haven't had a drink since Feb 20 and explained my sobriety issues. It's not that I'm an alcoholic, I'm just making better life choices. I don't think I am strong enough to go to a bar. Plus, my mom is coming for the weekend which I am looking forward to. I need to clean, and run errands before she gets here saturday. How am I going to cram it all in? Every time I don't want to or can't do soemthing she wants to do lately she crys and hangs up on me...What to do?
Day 16 Wed March 10 Date from Hell
Well well well. I am home from my date. All I can do is laugh. I'm not upset, or disappointed. I am not angry or depressed. I am proud that I faced my fear of blind dating! So here how it went:
I got off of work 3 hours early. I went and put together a cute outfit with a new purse which was more of an investment. Gone are the days of the canvas 16 year old purses with skullls or band names. I actually have a handbag and I have to admit it, I like it. I also got a cute black scarf and black cardigan to match my dress. The weather was pouring but I didn't let it dampen my mood! I was going out on my first date provided for the $34.99 per month Match.com subscription.
So this is a lesson in internet dating:
I got home just in time to get all dolled up. I even painted my nails a beautiful color red, took extra time with scented body lotion, accesories and the perfect hair. Then the warning texts started coming in. This should have been my first sign of what was to come. The "chemist" said that he was still at work and did not have time to go home and change before we went out. We were to meet at Fado down the street from my house at 8:30. I told him he probably looked fine, looks aren't important it's the person that counts and all those warm and fluffy things I believed to be true in my heart. I also imagined him in some khaki's maybe with a polo or button down shirt. White lab coat. Maybe a pair of cute and stylish glasses. Someone I have never wanted but do now. Someone not a drunk, drifter, womanizer, drug addict. Someone who actually had a career path, a good job, a home, a car and something real to say. I rushed around so much that I didn't even have time for the nerves to set in. Before I knew it, it was 8:15 and my cab was pulling up to take me the few short blocks to Fado Irish Pub.
I arrived early which is something new for me. I am usually chronically late, so I wanted to make sure that I was on time to make a good impression. First impressions are important no matter what anyone says. I walked into Fado confident and looking forward to the evening. I texted him after doing a quick walk through of the resturant and found he was not here. He might have been for all I know...it was a match.com date. Well, he was circling the parking lot because he didn't have the five dollars to park. That should have been my first sign. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Most people do not carry cash, they only carry ATM or credit cards. I only had cash because of the cab fair and tip. So with best intentions, I went outside and paid for his parking. When I met him, I realized that my dreams of the "chemist" were dashed. Just because I was honest with my profile, stats and pictures on Match.com does not mean he was. I should have run the other way. But for better or worse in this case, I was already here I was going to use this as experience. At that time, I still thought that just because he was shorter, balder and didn't look like he showered in days this man might have gotten stuck at the lab doing something great for humanity and how dare I judge him by his ratty jeans, tshirt and hoody. We went inside after short greetings. Instead of getting a table for dinner he wanted to sit at the bar. This should have been warning number 2. I quit drinking and was not willing especially on a first date with a complete stranger compromise my sobriety. He ordered a jack and coke and then advised me that he had already had pizza and bear at work. So there was to be no meal, and I was stuck drinking a water with lemon.
Now, I figured since I was already here I needed to go with it. This is the short version of what transpired in the 2 1/2 hours of date.
1. He advised me he had a four year old son due to a girl he "knocked up". He was not fond of the mother and did not express warm and fuzzy feelings about his son. He talked of his son like he was a burden. He actually said that his son was autistic and he was glad so he didn't have to deal with him as much.
2. He is a chemist working on drugs for Hiv. He does not do it for the benefits of humanity, he simply does it for the money. None of the drugs he has made have ever come close to helping, all they do is kill hiv in chimps and then also kill chimps. He found this funny. He also didn't seem like such a animal lover or a people lover for that matter.
3. He told me that if we got into a relationship and either I broke up with him or he broke up with me he would burn the bridge and completley destroy me. Really? I've heard that love is a battlefield but is all this really necessary?
4. He also told me that he has no desire to become close or meet my friends/family if we began dating or having a relationship. Nor would he want me to meet his friends. He does not have very many friends. His only best friend died 8 months ago due to brain cancer and all he could say is that he was glad he no longer had to take him or pick him up from the airport.
5. I knew he had one snake due to his few profile pics on Match.com. No, he has 40 different specicies of snakes that he breeds in incubators in his 2 bedroom condo. That is the only thing he seemed enthusiastic and warm about. The snakes. Now, I have a fear of snakes. I was willing to be open to one snake, but 40 different specicies in one small condo. I don't think so.
6.He does not believe in what he does. He does not believe in medicine. Now, I have a chronic illness I have yet to share in this blog. It's crohn's disease which I got from my biological father that died due to complications of crohn's and alcoholism. He didn't know that I have crohn's nor did I share that information with him. He told me that he manufactures drugs but does not believe in taking medicine in any way. I advised him, although I wasn't all together forthcoming about my own diagnosis that my biological father pasted away from Crohns and that I was very involved in advocacy for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of Atlanta. He said that it was genetic, I probably have it and that the meds they prescribe do not help. They just prolong the inevitable...I will dye young due to complications. All the meds in the world and healthy living will not help.
7. He doesn't believe in marriage and doesn't want kids which on his profile it specifically states he wanted both.
After two and 1/2 hours of this on an empty stomach enough was enough. He paid for his drinks and drove me home. After it was all over he leaned over to hug me and told me he had a great time. He wanted me to go out with him on Friday and meet his dad! He actually thought it went well. OMG! I quickly got out of the car and walked still holding my head up high to my apartment.
So, now that is over, and I shared this story with my BFF and my mom eating a bowl of much needed multi grain cheerious, I can say this much. I am not upset, depressed, sad or disappointed. I am proud of myself for letting myself try something new, trust in someone new and they way I handled myself. So what if it didn't work out. At least I faced my fear! This is just the beginning and it can't get much worse right?
I got off of work 3 hours early. I went and put together a cute outfit with a new purse which was more of an investment. Gone are the days of the canvas 16 year old purses with skullls or band names. I actually have a handbag and I have to admit it, I like it. I also got a cute black scarf and black cardigan to match my dress. The weather was pouring but I didn't let it dampen my mood! I was going out on my first date provided for the $34.99 per month Match.com subscription.
So this is a lesson in internet dating:
I got home just in time to get all dolled up. I even painted my nails a beautiful color red, took extra time with scented body lotion, accesories and the perfect hair. Then the warning texts started coming in. This should have been my first sign of what was to come. The "chemist" said that he was still at work and did not have time to go home and change before we went out. We were to meet at Fado down the street from my house at 8:30. I told him he probably looked fine, looks aren't important it's the person that counts and all those warm and fluffy things I believed to be true in my heart. I also imagined him in some khaki's maybe with a polo or button down shirt. White lab coat. Maybe a pair of cute and stylish glasses. Someone I have never wanted but do now. Someone not a drunk, drifter, womanizer, drug addict. Someone who actually had a career path, a good job, a home, a car and something real to say. I rushed around so much that I didn't even have time for the nerves to set in. Before I knew it, it was 8:15 and my cab was pulling up to take me the few short blocks to Fado Irish Pub.
I arrived early which is something new for me. I am usually chronically late, so I wanted to make sure that I was on time to make a good impression. First impressions are important no matter what anyone says. I walked into Fado confident and looking forward to the evening. I texted him after doing a quick walk through of the resturant and found he was not here. He might have been for all I know...it was a match.com date. Well, he was circling the parking lot because he didn't have the five dollars to park. That should have been my first sign. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Most people do not carry cash, they only carry ATM or credit cards. I only had cash because of the cab fair and tip. So with best intentions, I went outside and paid for his parking. When I met him, I realized that my dreams of the "chemist" were dashed. Just because I was honest with my profile, stats and pictures on Match.com does not mean he was. I should have run the other way. But for better or worse in this case, I was already here I was going to use this as experience. At that time, I still thought that just because he was shorter, balder and didn't look like he showered in days this man might have gotten stuck at the lab doing something great for humanity and how dare I judge him by his ratty jeans, tshirt and hoody. We went inside after short greetings. Instead of getting a table for dinner he wanted to sit at the bar. This should have been warning number 2. I quit drinking and was not willing especially on a first date with a complete stranger compromise my sobriety. He ordered a jack and coke and then advised me that he had already had pizza and bear at work. So there was to be no meal, and I was stuck drinking a water with lemon.
Now, I figured since I was already here I needed to go with it. This is the short version of what transpired in the 2 1/2 hours of date.
1. He advised me he had a four year old son due to a girl he "knocked up". He was not fond of the mother and did not express warm and fuzzy feelings about his son. He talked of his son like he was a burden. He actually said that his son was autistic and he was glad so he didn't have to deal with him as much.
2. He is a chemist working on drugs for Hiv. He does not do it for the benefits of humanity, he simply does it for the money. None of the drugs he has made have ever come close to helping, all they do is kill hiv in chimps and then also kill chimps. He found this funny. He also didn't seem like such a animal lover or a people lover for that matter.
3. He told me that if we got into a relationship and either I broke up with him or he broke up with me he would burn the bridge and completley destroy me. Really? I've heard that love is a battlefield but is all this really necessary?
4. He also told me that he has no desire to become close or meet my friends/family if we began dating or having a relationship. Nor would he want me to meet his friends. He does not have very many friends. His only best friend died 8 months ago due to brain cancer and all he could say is that he was glad he no longer had to take him or pick him up from the airport.
5. I knew he had one snake due to his few profile pics on Match.com. No, he has 40 different specicies of snakes that he breeds in incubators in his 2 bedroom condo. That is the only thing he seemed enthusiastic and warm about. The snakes. Now, I have a fear of snakes. I was willing to be open to one snake, but 40 different specicies in one small condo. I don't think so.
6.He does not believe in what he does. He does not believe in medicine. Now, I have a chronic illness I have yet to share in this blog. It's crohn's disease which I got from my biological father that died due to complications of crohn's and alcoholism. He didn't know that I have crohn's nor did I share that information with him. He told me that he manufactures drugs but does not believe in taking medicine in any way. I advised him, although I wasn't all together forthcoming about my own diagnosis that my biological father pasted away from Crohns and that I was very involved in advocacy for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of Atlanta. He said that it was genetic, I probably have it and that the meds they prescribe do not help. They just prolong the inevitable...I will dye young due to complications. All the meds in the world and healthy living will not help.
7. He doesn't believe in marriage and doesn't want kids which on his profile it specifically states he wanted both.
After two and 1/2 hours of this on an empty stomach enough was enough. He paid for his drinks and drove me home. After it was all over he leaned over to hug me and told me he had a great time. He wanted me to go out with him on Friday and meet his dad! He actually thought it went well. OMG! I quickly got out of the car and walked still holding my head up high to my apartment.
So, now that is over, and I shared this story with my BFF and my mom eating a bowl of much needed multi grain cheerious, I can say this much. I am not upset, depressed, sad or disappointed. I am proud of myself for letting myself try something new, trust in someone new and they way I handled myself. So what if it didn't work out. At least I faced my fear! This is just the beginning and it can't get much worse right?
Day 15 March 9 Hand written thanks
Today was a good day. I went to work and found out I got 4 hours of PTO awarded due to volunteering to stay behind for the customer operations event. I decided with my date looming ahead I would leave work 3 hours early on Wednesday and come into work 1hour late. Sounds like a good plan. I love the company I work for, and I love the work that I do. I just wish that there wasn't so much politics and backstabbing. The sales managers from my old territory that I worked for came to sit with us. It was a satisfying feeling to have them say they wished I still worked on their team. It made me feel like I really am good at my job. I also received a beautiful hand written card from a sales rep that I supported at my last assignment letting me know how much she appreciated everything I did for her and her team. It's always good to feel appreciated. I finally felt like the work I do everyday touches people's lives. I felt like I make a difference with the company. And that my friends, makes me really excited about my future no matter where it takes me.
Day 14 March 8 Yippee yeah ..a real live date
What a day to remember. I got the call that the chemist wants to meet me Wednesday for the date. I am a ball of nerves. I have never been on a real date. That sounds so unbelievable at 35. Most of the relationships I have been in, I met the guy hanging out with friends or at a bar. We hung out, we fell in love or at least I thought we did, we moved in together way to soon and then we had horrible break ups. Splitting hairs, money, movies, music, appliances and many tears when it was over. There was never the first blind date. Or the date when the man picks you up and you go to dinner and a movie. None of that. I took the road less traveled in love and now I don't know where the hell I am? There has never been any blind dates or dates that were fixed up by mutual friends. I really don't know how to act about the whole thing. I am fearful, but hopeful that this is the start of something good. Even if the date does not go well, at least I will conquer my fear of dating. We are suppose to meet up at Fado on Wednesday night. Fingers Crossed! I am actually giddy?!
Day 13 March 7 Respect your elders...
I woke up with a glimpse of what my life will be like if I do not find a mate to share my life with. My downstairs neighbor just turned 97 in February. She lives a lone. I always love going downstairs and hearing about her stories. She has wonderful old stories about how life was back a long time ago when she was a little girl. She can tell you about the first time she saw the firt automobile, the great fire of Atlanta that destroyed downtown from Boulevard all the way up Virginia Highlands. She can tell me about the depression, world wars, the equal rights movement and feminism. She tells me how our Buckhead neighborhood looked before the city decided to get rid of the old and put up condos that no one can afford to buy right now. She is a wealth of knowledge, lovely stories and a beautiful soul inside and out. I really enjoy listening to her tell me about the simplier life before cell phones, satellite tv, computers, facebook, and video games. She tells me of home cooked meals, marriages with children and sunday family dinners. Courting, dating and how much things use to cost. Now don't get me wrong, I love technology. Without technology I wouldn't be able to use my android phone or sit at this starbucks and post this blog into cyberspace for all the world to read if they want to. Technology has given us so much but it has also taken away alot. People don't respect people as much. We are so busy going and going, texting instead of calling or visiting. Our kids sit inside on the computer chatting or playing video games and never know what it is like to spend a day outside running through a simple thing like a sprinkler on a hot summers day. My neighbor, bless her heart reminds me of what life use to be and makes me question if I grew up at the right time. Do you ever dream of what it would be like to grow up in a simpler time? But like me, my neighbor was lucky in life but unlucky in love. She married but got divorced and never had children. She was a renagade for her time. Now she is 97 god bless her but has no family and most of her friends are deceased. Who cares for her when she has to go to the hospital. Luckily when she had a sprained muscle in her hip and leg both myself and my neighbor took her to the hospital, stayed with her until she was released, picked up her medication and got her home with her one request...a mcdonald's cheeseburger and fries. She has lived a long life and is very blessed. She is an amazing woman and gorgeous. But she is alone except for the few like me that have taken her under their wing...I would love to live to be 97 but I would love to have a loving husband, children and grandchildren to share the journey with. What if that never happens?
How to blog on the go
So my internet connection at home is not working. The landlord stated that it's fine. But since Day 12 March 6 I haven't been able to blog. It's really frustrating because I am taking this project so seriously. So, what I did was what any girl would do. I went and wrote my blog the old school way, in a journal and documented everday. In my journal I included the experiences that I had and the thoughts and feelings that came with it. Today is actually Sunday March 21st but a lot has happened since the March 6 blog. Hopefully I can arrange it in a way that it will all make sense. So here we go...live from Starbucks I am trying to catch up surrounded by beautiful music and the smell of java! I think I might actually prefer blogging this way, surrounded by different people, sounds and smells. Who knows, it might inspire me. Gotta love starbucks!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
i will not let a broken computer stop me
I have been agonizing over this blog for almost 2 weeks. After my last post, my computer which has a history of bad behavore decided to break. I was so disappointed! This blog has a special place in my heart. I love te creative outlet it gives me. I also made a lot of goals, this blog being on of them. How am I going to blog with no computer? So I placed my computer in the shop and did what any girl would do. I went old school and kept everything in my journal. Finally today I figured out how to use my android phone to post blogs. So this is how I will be posting things until my computer is fixed. Starting tomorrow I will post all my entries from the last week. Wish me luck! I am so glad to be back!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Day 12 Saturday-Fell Down Rabitt Hole
This is going to be so quick. I am exhausted. It's the beautiful exhaustion of a person with a full and happy life. I had such a glorious day. The weather was gorgeous! The company was the best! The food was delicious! Alice and Wonderland was fabulous! I couldn't be happier. I could write so much more,but I must go to sleep. I hope when I dream, I dream of wonderland!
Friday, March 5, 2010
Day 11 Friday I'm in love
Sweet sweet friday. I love you so! Tonight honestly I was stumped on what to blog about. After my mini meltdown at work yesterday, it just seemed I didn't have much to say. But I took a walk and relized some things. Every once in a while, hell even maybe once a week, I will have a bad day. These days do not determine who I am or what direction my life is going to go in. What mattters is how I handle those bad days. In the end, yesterday was a great learning experience. I am not going to judge my progress by that one bad day. I must look at the whole week. In this week I have conquered a lot of difficult things. I started and maintained a diet. I did it all by myself with no fads, or expenive programs. I did it by eating right and portion control. I started an exercise plan. Sure, I'm only going 3 days but next week I will step it up to 4. Last week I weighed 5 pounds more. So it all paid off and the weight loss is better than any cupcake I could ever eat. It's not just about the pounds though. It's about setting my mind to something and sticking to it. I also networked a lot at work. Sure yesterday I could have handled things better, but it was a learning experience that I will grow from. I showed up today with my head held high and focused on the prize. This week I also got out of my confort zone and talked to a new man. That's a big step for me. So tonight I can go to bed truely pleased with myself. There is still a lot of work to be done. I am up to the challenge. Now it's time to enjoy the weekend!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Day 10 Getting the Knife Out of My Back
I have learned so much about corporate America. I thought I had been through and seen it all. I felt like I was conquering it. I also thought I was confident enough to not let things get me down. But today I hit a road block. I went into work ready for the day. I have been on such an emotional high lately. It seems that things were coming together. But a wise person once told me that all things, good and bad eventually come to an end. For almost a week I felt unstoppable. I felt nothing and no one could bring me down. I finally found my strength, courage and focus. Then I was sucker punched metophorically speaking and it all went to hell in a handbasket.
See, I have worked with this one woman in my department for 5+ years. She is one of the only people there in my department besides management I trusted. All the people that work in my department are bitter and disasatisfied. They are backstabbers and they will do whatever it takes to get ahead. Since for 5 years there have been no advancement opportunities,our department does not have a good vibe in it. Have you ever seen a bunch of crabs in a pot. They'll climb all over each other just to get out. Well that describes my department in a nutshell. I thought this one woman was not like the others. I sit next to her. We talk about our families, interests, love life etc. We buy Christmas and birthday gifts for each other. We confide in each other. I thought in all aspects, it was a mutual friendship. So when she applied for the leadership program in the beginning of the year, I wrote a well thought out and glowing recommendation. She got into the program and has changed since being elected into it. Being in the leadership program is like working your 40+ hour work week and then going to a seperate job. It requires a lot of time, energy and commitment. Well, she hasn't been around much.
Well today, she showed her true colors. She had a meeting with my director and told on a lot of people for things that they were doing wrong at work. Then, after her meeting, she went and told everyone that she told on that it was me who was going to management and getting people in trouble. So now, everyone started treating me with contempt and said things loudly about me. I didn't understand why. I got so upset and confused because I didn't understand why people that I worked so hard at building a professional relationship with would all of a sudden treat me so poorly. I went to my manager and found out that she was the one infact that had told on everyone. No one even got in trouble but she still felt the need after turning everyone in, to make me the nark. I just couldn't believe that after 5 years of friendship she would throw me to the wolves like that. I felt more betrayed than I have in a while. What's bad is it made me cry which is so unprofessional. I let them get the best of me. I went home. Tomorrow is a new day though. I have to remind myself of something a wise person told me-you have to make yourself your number one priority. You have to go into work looking out for yourself because you never know in corporate america what motivates people around you. Also most importantly I have to remember that all things good and bad do not last forever. This too will pass. Tomorrow is a new day and all I can do is go to work, plug in my headphones, do my job to the best of my abilitities and never let them see me sweat!
See, I have worked with this one woman in my department for 5+ years. She is one of the only people there in my department besides management I trusted. All the people that work in my department are bitter and disasatisfied. They are backstabbers and they will do whatever it takes to get ahead. Since for 5 years there have been no advancement opportunities,our department does not have a good vibe in it. Have you ever seen a bunch of crabs in a pot. They'll climb all over each other just to get out. Well that describes my department in a nutshell. I thought this one woman was not like the others. I sit next to her. We talk about our families, interests, love life etc. We buy Christmas and birthday gifts for each other. We confide in each other. I thought in all aspects, it was a mutual friendship. So when she applied for the leadership program in the beginning of the year, I wrote a well thought out and glowing recommendation. She got into the program and has changed since being elected into it. Being in the leadership program is like working your 40+ hour work week and then going to a seperate job. It requires a lot of time, energy and commitment. Well, she hasn't been around much.
Well today, she showed her true colors. She had a meeting with my director and told on a lot of people for things that they were doing wrong at work. Then, after her meeting, she went and told everyone that she told on that it was me who was going to management and getting people in trouble. So now, everyone started treating me with contempt and said things loudly about me. I didn't understand why. I got so upset and confused because I didn't understand why people that I worked so hard at building a professional relationship with would all of a sudden treat me so poorly. I went to my manager and found out that she was the one infact that had told on everyone. No one even got in trouble but she still felt the need after turning everyone in, to make me the nark. I just couldn't believe that after 5 years of friendship she would throw me to the wolves like that. I felt more betrayed than I have in a while. What's bad is it made me cry which is so unprofessional. I let them get the best of me. I went home. Tomorrow is a new day though. I have to remind myself of something a wise person told me-you have to make yourself your number one priority. You have to go into work looking out for yourself because you never know in corporate america what motivates people around you. Also most importantly I have to remember that all things good and bad do not last forever. This too will pass. Tomorrow is a new day and all I can do is go to work, plug in my headphones, do my job to the best of my abilitities and never let them see me sweat!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Day 9 Giddy
What a great 24 hours! Last night, after I had finished my blog an unexpected thing occured. My phone rang and it was the "chemist" from match.com. I've been in relationship after relationship for most of my adult life. All the choices I have made in boyfriends have led me to where I am today. I had a problem with recycling lovers. Instead of going out and finding someone new I would always end up going back to people. Not the wisest choice. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. So, I decided I needed to meet new eligible single men. Most of the men in the scene I hang out are heavy drinkers and/or drug users. I didn't want to go through all of that again. None of my friends could set me up with anyone. I couldn't meet anyone through work. The one and only time I dated someone from work, it turned out to be a complete disaster. So one of my friends had found her current boyfriend on match.com and I decided to give it a try. This year is all about trying new things and reinventing myself. So, I joined Match.com. At least I could screen men, see what they were all about, see how compatible we are, email them and go from there. My first conversation with "the potential teacher" went horrible. He kept comparing me to his ex wife. He had A LOT of baggage from her and he was so jaded. I know things happen and people get hurt. I've been deeply hurt myself. I do not project that on to others though. Needless to say, I never met him and it left me with a bad taste in my mouth from Match.com. Well, then a "chemist" was interested in me. We exchanged numbers, but I was apprehensive. He kept calling me and I wouldn't answer the phone. Well last night, he called and I finally got up enough nerve to answer the phone. We had the most incredible conversation. It was so easy and comfortable. I felt like I had known him for years. We talked for an hour and made plans to meet next week. It amazes me how much we have in common. I got off the phone and felt like a teenage girl with her first crush. I hope he is as great in person as he is on the phone. I have a good feeling he will be. He even sent me a really sweet text today. I'm finally optimistic about finding someone. Even if he isn't the "one" at least this gives me hope.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Day 8 Snow day...or maybe not
Today I went to work surrounded by beautiful snowflakes. I thought for sure that since it was sticking when I left to go to work this morning, that we would get to leave early. No such luck. I love the snow. It's so beautiful coming down. It really calms me down for some reason and makes me appreciate the simple beauty of nature. I was really disappointed that I couldn't enjoy it. By the time I got off of work, it had stopped snowing. The little bit that was on the ground when I left this morning was melted. I feel like it was winter's last goodbye. I feel lucky to have seen snow three times this year. It's made me think that maybe since I enjoy snow so much, I should live somewhere that I would see more of it. Wouldn't it be nice to have 4 seasons like I had when I was a little girl. That's something to consider! Who knows, by this time next year I could be on my way to living in a new state. The possibilities are endless. No one made a mandate that I have to live in Atlanta. The people that I moved here with are long gone. The reason why I stayed in Atlanta left a week ago. But there is my job to consider. I would have to find a job equal to or better in both salary and benefits.
Speaking of which, I really am enjoying my job again. I love having a new challenge and conquering it. By the time I have my first one on one with my new supervisor, I want her to be impressed. She gave me back 14.5 hours of paid time off today. Yeah, more vacation time! I want to use it on seeing a part of the country I have never seen. I want to travel more this year too.
I already am on my way to accomplishing some of my goals. I started my diet plan today. I researched jenny craig. You know those commercials...Just call Jenny. Loose 20 pounds for $20.00. Talk about false advertising. It's $130.00 a week for food a lone. To join, they say the only way you can loose the weight and keep it off is to pay $399.00 for a full year of weight loss counseling. Are you kidding me! All I need to do is watch my calorie intake by keeping a food journal and excercise. So who needs Jenny, who by the way was a man!
Speaking of which, I really am enjoying my job again. I love having a new challenge and conquering it. By the time I have my first one on one with my new supervisor, I want her to be impressed. She gave me back 14.5 hours of paid time off today. Yeah, more vacation time! I want to use it on seeing a part of the country I have never seen. I want to travel more this year too.
I already am on my way to accomplishing some of my goals. I started my diet plan today. I researched jenny craig. You know those commercials...Just call Jenny. Loose 20 pounds for $20.00. Talk about false advertising. It's $130.00 a week for food a lone. To join, they say the only way you can loose the weight and keep it off is to pay $399.00 for a full year of weight loss counseling. Are you kidding me! All I need to do is watch my calorie intake by keeping a food journal and excercise. So who needs Jenny, who by the way was a man!
Monday, March 1, 2010
Day 7 -Not a Manic Monday!!!
Wow. I think I just had one of my best Mondays ever. I don't know about you, but I despise Mondays. It seems like the weekends are so short.Today though, I woke up feeling more secure and with a game plan. I looked forward to my new assignment at work. I have been in a rut at work for awhile, doing the same thing with the same people day in and day out. I was looking forward to seeing what new team I would support and what people on my old team I would continue to have. I was pleasantly surprised at my new assignment and am looking forward to the challange.
It was more than the new assignment though. I've been reading this career self help book. I am cringing at having to type self help book right now, but it really has helped get my mind in the right place when it comes to my job. I've always believed that self help books were lame. First of all the whole "self help" label embarrases me because it's so cliche. It implys that you need help which is true otherwise you wouldn't have purchased the book in the first place. But, I swallowed my pride and found that I did need some help in how to control my anger, anxiety or stress at work. I also needed help on how to weave through the never ending web of office backstabing and gossip. The book has taught me how to go to work and put the best foot forward. I went into work rested, polished, confident and focused. I got things done and put on a happy face. What a difference my day went with the few tips I read in the book.
I also began working on my personal goals. I got off of work and immediately went to the gym. I only did cardio for 20 minutes but it was a start in the right direction. Of course I hated it, but just like everything else, I just need to try new things and see what works for me. In the meantime, the treadmill it is. I also got home from work and took Rex for a walk which he enjoyed.
So at the end of the day, I really feel good at what I accomplished. I no longer feel that I lack control in my own life and future. I even had a phone call from a potential date...Life is getting better!! I hope I continue to learn everyday about myself and how to achieve the goals I so deserve to achieve this year. I'm more optimistic than I have been in a while.
It was more than the new assignment though. I've been reading this career self help book. I am cringing at having to type self help book right now, but it really has helped get my mind in the right place when it comes to my job. I've always believed that self help books were lame. First of all the whole "self help" label embarrases me because it's so cliche. It implys that you need help which is true otherwise you wouldn't have purchased the book in the first place. But, I swallowed my pride and found that I did need some help in how to control my anger, anxiety or stress at work. I also needed help on how to weave through the never ending web of office backstabing and gossip. The book has taught me how to go to work and put the best foot forward. I went into work rested, polished, confident and focused. I got things done and put on a happy face. What a difference my day went with the few tips I read in the book.
I also began working on my personal goals. I got off of work and immediately went to the gym. I only did cardio for 20 minutes but it was a start in the right direction. Of course I hated it, but just like everything else, I just need to try new things and see what works for me. In the meantime, the treadmill it is. I also got home from work and took Rex for a walk which he enjoyed.
So at the end of the day, I really feel good at what I accomplished. I no longer feel that I lack control in my own life and future. I even had a phone call from a potential date...Life is getting better!! I hope I continue to learn everyday about myself and how to achieve the goals I so deserve to achieve this year. I'm more optimistic than I have been in a while.
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